yeah lmao attraction is a very funny and very strange thing, for the longest time i genuinely thought i was only really attracted to fem people regardless of gender (or at least people with a fem streak in their presentation) but now idts, i think i like people in general. for me these days, it's confidence that does it for me - rock whatever style you like, but rock it with confidence. that said though i wonder if more people are mostly attracted to a certain style of presentation rather than a specific gender...
attraction in general is very weird... like i (i experience sexual attraction) often have these conversations with my best friend (who is biromantic and asexual) and she's often told me, "look our ideas of attraction and attractiveness can be VERY different" which yeah true. we experience things differently. though i've often wondered if i'm freyromantic ngl, most of my crushes (none of which have turned into relationships) have been on people that i don't know too well. and one of the reasons i've begun questioning this is because of her - her crushes have been on people who she's close with, who like joking around with her, who like teasing her, picking on her brains, etc etc. whereas for me... that kind of stuff never materialises into reality hahaha. or maybe i'm just too awkward and too timid and generally deficient in rizz. i guess.
idk what your current situation is or what you're going through, but don't. don't hate yourself, at least. i hope things get better for you, you're a great person and i love interacting with you, i'd hate to think that you'd hate yourself so much. life isn't being kind to you, but i hope it gets kinder soon, cause you don't deserve this.