I just really really want to disappear (t/n: probably the mildest way to put it) but I have to take care of my mother.. ah I’m going to get a lot of texts saying I’m brainless again you’re right I’m brainless and I didn’t learn anything correctly. I had to go out and make money because of my family’s situation. After my father passed away I cried once in the waiting room and this one unnie told me that the vibe of the room was depressing because of me and she told me to stop crying. I told her I was so scared because she started dragging me towards a closet in the waiting room.
When I think back to when my father didn’t have long to live, I still can’t believe her words, it’s like harassment? Or like an insult? But it’s okay it’s just a scar but since we ride in the same car I started taking sleeping pills and forced myself to sleep. I had to do our schedules/promotions properly but I could feel myself slowly breaking down.
Also, I’m fine if I don’t get acknowledged as an idol or actor. I’m really bad at those things. I’m lacking a lot. But when I was actively promoting, I was so happy and I did my best. I really loved my job and I never got stress once and I honestly didn’t want to leave AOA but after being bullied by a certain someone for ten years, to the point where I really wanted to go crazy and insult you.. I eventually quit AOA.
I was someone who really enjoyed promoting with the other members, but recently that unnie’s father passed away. I was so sad and it felt so weird since I understand how it feels.. When I went to the funeral hall, she started crying right when she saw me and she started apologizing to me. It felt so empty and my mind just crumbled down... it just emptied out and my feeling of resentment went away and everything became fine but I’m already too broken
Since I was scared, my hiatus… of course I expected it. I thought I could learn a lot of things and get treated for depression or panic attacks. But even during my hiatus a lot of things happened.. I’m honestly so exhausted. Those Netizens, right? Just like those internet comments, I myself don’t know who I am and I don’t know what kind of person I am. I hate seeing it and it’s so loud/annoying. Even if you don’t want to hear it, I wasn’t born because I wanted to be born, but I have a mouth and I have hands and now I can’t even control myself. I have to stay alive for my mother.. You don’t have to like me or give me any attention so can’t you just like… leave me alone? Because it’s all my fault.