Rant: Moving Forward and Moving On (1 Viewer)

[VillageIdiot]

I feel as though I really don't know either of those things and that's what's keeping me from being happy.

Moving forward: I'm someone who is constantly analyzing and reflecting on everything that's wrong but does zero to fix it and keeps landing myself in worse situations because of it. If I'm unhappy with a situation, I don't work to fix it or make it better for myself, I just endure and think "things will just be better once this part of my life is over". In a new (well not really new at this point) city, depressed because I'm lonely but I don't go out and meet new people, both due to awkwardness from not knowing how to interact with people and just not knowing how to meet people. I can't seem to lose this weight, so I'm not putting any effort into my appearance and that's only driving my self-worth lower and making me binge even more. I don't know how to really talk or act my age because I read all these old books and that stops me from socializing because it makes me feel like a weird proper outsider. I'd like to connect with people but I don't really reach out. I'd like for people to understand me but I don't know how to verbalize my feelings bc I'm scared of being perceived as ugly or needy. I guess on some level I'm wanting the universe to give some kind of hand. At some point I've got to realize that it just won't happen and I need to lift myself up, it just seems really hard and I'm not used to really really trying for anything.


Moving on: I harp over pretty much everything and it's beyond unhealthy. If I miss out on something or don't make/keep these friends or don't get chosen for something or embarrass myself, I get really upset and it sticks with me for a very long time. And I mean a long time, I'm not a "look back and laugh" type of person. Legitimately, I'm still mortified by things I said when I was four even though I rationally know they're normal kid things. A family member will tell what they think is a cute story from my youth that I don't even remember and it will bother me. I guess part of it is because I'm just sensitive and part of it is because I've (for various reasons) just not had the same opportunities as those around me from the beginning. I work hard to internalize it so nobody has to hear what I really feel but it makes me a very jealous, bitter and regretful person. I really try to better myself and express kindness in every way I can but I just have this bitterness inside that stops me from really being happy for anyone else or clapping when they succeed. More than anything, I value being a good person and being happy. But I'm not happy, I don't think I've ever been really happy and it's holding me back from being a truly good person.

i guess even the more seasoned users know these kinds of posts are pretty much unheard of from me. I'm not really someone that ever expresses her feelings, it's really hard for me to do more than 1 to 2 sentences on any given thing. But I feel like if I just put this out there somehow, maybe it won't be just another thing I psychoanalyze and compartmentalize and forget to change. And maybe it'll feel a bit freeing even if nobody reads it. I'd like to be a more open girl.

 

[LoveYooShaSha]

Spoiler

I feel as though I really don't know either of those things and that's what's keeping me from being happy.

Moving forward: I'm someone who is constantly analyzing and reflecting on everything that's wrong but does zero to fix it and keeps landing myself in worse situations because of it. If I'm unhappy with a situation, I don't work to fix it or make it better for myself, I just endure and think "things will just be better once this part of my life is over". In a new (well not really new at this point) city, depressed because I'm lonely but I don't go out and meet new people, both due to awkwardness from not knowing how to interact with people and just not knowing how to meet people. I can't seem to lose this weight, so I'm not putting any effort into my appearance and that's only driving my self-worth lower and making me binge even more. I don't know how to really talk or act my age because I read all these old books and that stops me from socializing because it makes me feel like a weird proper outsider. I'd like to connect with people but I don't really reach out. I'd like for people to understand me but I don't know how to verbalize my feelings bc I'm scared of being perceived as ugly or needy. I guess on some level I'm wanting the universe to give some kind of hand. At some point I've got to realize that it just won't happen and I need to lift myself up, it just seems really hard and I'm not used to really really trying for anything.

Moving on: I harp over pretty much everything and it's beyond unhealthy. If I miss out on something or don't make/keep these friends or don't get chosen for something or embarrass myself, I get really upset and it sticks with me for a very long time. And I mean a long time, I'm not a "look back and laugh" type of person. Legitimately, I'm still mortified by things I said when I was four even though I rationally know they're normal kid things. A family member will tell what they think is a cute story from my youth that I don't even remember and it will bother me. I guess part of it is because I'm just sensitive and part of it is because I've (for various reasons) just not had the same opportunities as those around me from the beginning. I work hard to internalize it so nobody has to hear what I really feel but it makes me a very jealous, bitter and regretful person. I really try to better myself and express kindness in every way I can but I just have this bitterness inside that stops me from really being happy for anyone else or clapping when they succeed. More than anything, I value being a good person and being happy. But I'm not happy, I don't think I've ever been really happy and it's holding me back from being a truly good person.

i guess even the more seasoned users know these kinds of posts are pretty much unheard of from me. I'm not really someone that ever expresses her feelings, it's really hard for me to do more than 1 to 2 sentences on any given thing. But I feel like if I just put this out there somehow, maybe it won't be just another thing I psychoanalyze and compartmentalize and forget to change. And maybe it'll feel a bit freeing even if nobody reads it. I'd like to be a more open girl.

Wow, i read this n it just resonates on a few lvls:
First, i always thot of u as a happy go lucky person since myrief time on tat other kpop forum(i mean it was a compartmentalised, idealised view of u-since u could be single minded on a certain topic);

N rmbrg things from ur childhood(/earlier life) n obsessing over wat u said(iv definitely done overthinking things iv said long ago, tho not when i was four- n i forget right this second anything i said but there definitely things said tat others may not rmbrd or placed any importance on in the long term, but i dwelled upon without consciously meaning to irl<not online>) is sthg familiar to me.

Just focus on the moment is wat id say to u. U hv ur whole life ahead of u still. I think ur still quite young n hv opportunities ahead. I dont ever think of u as bitter, jealous or regretful so hopefully u see urself as a good n kind n hopeful person that i for one see u as such.

Without knowing u irl or wat the real person is like, just the shadow tat u cast online tat iv noticed, both here n in previous forum we here both on n twt where i think iv followed u for over a yr-where ithink ur cynical yet realist/pragmatist : ur true self(imo) or at least a version u allow to peek thru thinking no one pays attention [i wasnt paying attention until it hit me how u were being when i read this post]. See this is y i dont post my personal shitonline, it makes me feel too vulnerable. Too late for u tho, iv filed this tomy memory palace, as a personal connection to a online friend. take care n be well.

 

[Abeamus]

I can understand these things myself as to no surprise I am pretty analytical myself which I try to apply to help people as I enjoy doing that.

I do think you made a good step in the right direction by posting this as I believe you need support you haven't been getting due to not having anyone and avoiding putting yourself out there is keeping you in this cycle.

I do think of you as a bright person but bright people tend to focus on the people they care about but they also need someone to do that for them as they'll leave themselves behind.

I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to whether you just wanna rant or someone to talk through things to a point you can apply yourself to work on them.

 

[yeji]

oh hun I definitely get what you are saying here. I personally have such problems too. It’s difficult to really work on yourself

 

[VillageIdiot]

cynical yet realist/pragmatist

That is me online and irl

dont ever think of u as bitter, jealous or regretful so hopefully u see urself as a good n kind n hopeful person that i for one see u as such.

Without knowing u irl or wat the real person is like, just the shadow tat u cast online tat iv noticed, both here n in previous forum we here both on n twt where i think iv followed u for over a yr-where ithink ur cynical yet realist/pragmatist : ur true self(imo) or at least a version u allow to peek thru thinking no one pays attention [i wasnt paying attention until it hit me how u were being when i read this post]. See this is y i dont post my personal shitonline, it makes me feel too vulnerable. Too late for u tho, iv filed this tomy memory palace, as a personal connection to a online friend. take care n be well.

I feel like I act and conduct myself like a kind person. Like there's genuineness in my actions but how deep is it? Still working on the expressing myself thing so Ive always tried to make comparisons: sometimes I feel like a caramel apple. Seems good on the outside but there's always a chance it's rotting from the core out I suppose it's up to me to decide/fix but that sounds emotional and a lot of work, both things I tend avoid

You be well as well, online friend

 

[VillageIdiot]

I can understand these things myself as to no surprise I am pretty analytical myself which I try to apply to help people as I enjoy doing that.

I do think you made a good step in the right direction by posting this as I believe you need support you haven't been getting due to not having anyone and avoiding putting yourself out there is keeping you in this cycle.

I do think of you as a bright person but bright people tend to focus on the people they care about but they also need someone to do that for them as they'll leave themselves behind.

I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to whether you just wanna rant or someone to talk through things to a point you can apply yourself to work on them.

oh hun I definitely get what you are saying here. I personally have such problems too. It’s difficult to really work on yourself

Thank you, friends

 

[LoveYooShaSha]

That is me online and irl

I feel like I act and conduct myself like a kind person. Like there's genuineness in my actions but how deep is it? Still working on the expressing myself thing so Ive always tried to make comparisons: sometimes I feel like a caramel apple. Seems good on the outside but there's always a chance it's rotting from the core out I suppose it's up to me to decide/fix but that sounds emotional and a lot of work, both things I tend avoid

You be well as well, online friend

Lol, at the caramel apple comparison(no such things in Asia, at least tat iv noticed/found<i only know abt itfrom comics/fiction/shows(?)> but basically i think it depends on ur inner goodness? Which i think/believe u r at ur core(aside from maybea pettiness/peevishness at others' stupidity, which i dont think counts for too much), i think the metaphor doesnt work cos its usually found at country/state fairs or somesuch which ISNT A EVERYDAY THING, whereas i believe ur everyday self counts which doesnt hv to be sweet on the outside, just true to urself(n hopefully kind to others n urself) on the inside n out.

Thnx, n peace out for now.

 

[yeji]

Thank you, friends

always babes