Weird parent drama / rant (1 Viewer)

[centen]

IDK what to title this, so sorry~

I'm an adult, no longer live with my parents, and quite frankly, if they called and told me they were planning on getting a divorce, I would be like "well, obviously." My dad has gotten increasingly reclusive over the years, and my mom is openly angry/contemptuous toward him. It's super awkward.

I've noticed that my mom lately is trying to, idk, drop him and maybe get me to, too. Like, my dad used to be really into D&D, so I asked him if he and mom would want to see the new D&D movie when it comes out. (Mom just likes movies, so if he's going, so is she.) Dad agreed over text and then mentioned it again over a dinner with all of us there, and my mom said to me in front of him, "We can go see it without him." And he was obviously like ????

My mom keeps trying to get me to do vacations without him, big ones like week-long vacations out of the country, even though that's objectively pretty weird to exclude your own partner from a family vacation. My dad's been trying to plan a vacation for the two of them because they've been married for one of those big milestone years this year, and she told me that she told him that we had to do a family vacation first even though I'm like, uh when did I agree to do that? I don't even have the money right now to finance a trip. I feel like she's trying to make me into a buffer or something.

I've been doing things one on one with her at least once a month for the last several months, which is normally fun when we're doing them, but mostly I plan them because she gets so upset that I do things without her, so it's to accommodate her. I've realized that I can't remember the last time I saw my dad one on one. I either see her or the two of them. So I just called and asked my dad if he'd like to go to an event that we've gone to, just the two of us, in years past, and the response was basically, "but mom?"

IDK. I love both of my parents, and I hate feeling like I'm being pushed to not have a relationship with one of them, and worse, I don't think my dad is even registering the fact that it's happening, because like I said, he's gotten more and more anti-social in general and more dependent on mom.

 

[Yelena_Belova]

That sounds really rough. I don’t even know what advice to give you or what would be best. I just hope everything works out.

 

[centen]

That sounds really rough. I don’t even know what advice to give you or what would be best. I just hope everything works out.

Thank you friend! I'm just reminding myself that I'm lucky that I'm not a kid anymore, but man, parents sure do have a way of making you feel like you still are.

 

[StirFriedPanda]

I think you need to sit down with both of them and explain they need to start communicating with each other and not through you. Explain it's not fair to you. Sounds like mom is trying to put you in a situation where you feel like you need to choose. That's really not ok. Sometimes parents get so frustrating each other that they forget that it starts to take a toll on everyone. Your dad sounds like the typical oblivious dad or he's just to afraid to confront the problem. Take a deep breath and remember although your an adult your still their kid and shouldn't have to shoulder their relationship troubles. We're here for you!

 

[seungfloral]

I dont wanna read into this, but i think your dad actually knows what is happening and is trying to prevent the fall out. He is preparing a vacation and asks "what about mom?" , that sounds like a person to me who doesnt wanna give up his marriage. While ur mom might have just given up. Idk about their history, but sitting down and talking to them might be a good idea.
If they didnt get a divorce and dont intend to, then they should go to counseling. And you should tell them that you want to spend time with both of them, and not neglect one for the other.

 

[Yelena_Belova]

Thank you friend! I'm just reminding myself that I'm lucky that I'm not a kid anymore, but man, parents sure do have a way of making you feel like you still are.

They do, and I hate it when they do that.

 

[centen]

I think you need to sit down with both of them and explain they need to start communicating with each other and not through you. Explain it's not fair to you. Sounds like mom is trying to put you in a situation where you feel like you need to choose. That's really not ok. Sometimes parents get so frustrating each other that they forget that it starts to take a toll on everyone. Your dad sounds like the typical oblivious dad or he's just to afraid to confront the problem. Take a deep breath and remember although your an adult your still their kid and shouldn't have to shoulder their relationship troubles. We're here for you!

I dont wanna read into this, but i think your dad actually knows what is happening and is trying to prevent the fall out. He is preparing a vacation and asks "what about mom?" , that sounds like a person to me who doesnt wanna give up his marriage. While ur mom might have just given up. Idk about their history, but sitting down and talking to them might be a good idea.
If they didnt get a divorce and dont intend to, then they should go to counseling. And you should tell them that you want to spend time with both of them, and not neglect one for the other.

Thank you both for the advice. It's given me resolve to tell them next time that, just because I'm an adult, I'm still their kid and that means I'm not the appropriate outlet for whatever issues they're having with each other. Even if they divorce, my dad is still my dad and my mom is still my mom. Their relationship (or lack thereof) doesn't change that for me. They should see a counselor or figure it out with each other, not by trying to play games with my time.

Besides, they're at least 10 years too late for yanking around my attention and thinking they can control that. Nice part about being out of their house too.

 

[Selfmate]

reminsd me of a poem

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.