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Review of the Process
1. Install the strategy in a dissociated state. “Ann. see yourself out there in front of you. That Ann is about to learn a new way to respond to criticism.” Do whatever you need to do to maintain the dissociation.
“You can see Ann as far away as you want to, or in black and white, and you can put up a plexiglass barrier in front of you if that helps you stay here as an observer.”
Always use pronouns and location words, such as “her, out there,” to keep that distance and dissociation. Be sure to watch for the nonverbals of dissociation. When Carl was first up here, he started seeing himself over there, and then his shoulders and head came back, which was a good indication that he was getting more fully dissociated. So make sure that the client looks different when she is dissociated than when she is associated.
A few people will prefer to use auditory dissociation—hearing them¬selves on a tape recorder at another location in space—or very rarely even kinesthetic dissociation—feeling themselves with their fingertips at another location in space. You can also use the “as if” frame or vague language for people who don't consciously visualize: “Pretend that you can see yourself over there.” “Get a sense that you are behind a plexiglass shield.”
2. Dissociate from the criticism. “That Ann over there is about to be criticized. Watch and listen as she immediately dissociates from the criticism.” There are various ways for her to do this. One way is for that Ann over there to see herself getting criticized. Another way is for her to print the words of the criticism out in space at about arm's length, or she can step out of her body and see herself receiving the criticism. If simple dissociation alone isn't enough to keep that Ann in front of you in a resourceful state, try using some other supporting submodality shifts. Have that Ann make that dissociated picture of being criticized smaller, farther away, transparent, dimmer, or any other submodality shift that sufficiently diminishes her response. The dissociation prevents the immediate bad feel¬ings that so many people experience, and it also provides the objective viewpoint necessary for the next step.
3. Make a dissociated representation of the content of the criticism. “Watch Ann as she makes a movie of what the criticizer is saying.” Again, that Ann can make this representation smaller and farther away in order for her to maintain a resourceful state. Some people make such big, bright, and close pictures of the “awful” thing they did, that it's very difficult for them to maintain a resource state. She can move it far enough away, or whatever, so that she can be comfortable, yet still see it clearly.
Before you can evaluate criticism, you need to understand it. What does this person mean? If someone says, “You're twenty minutes late; now we'll either have to rush or be late to the movie,” you can easily make a reasonably detailed internal representation of that information in all major representational systems.
However, often criticism is too vague to understand well. If someone says, “You're a skunk,” or “You're inconsiderate,” that Ann will have to gather more specific information in order to know exactly what the criticizer means. Before asking for more information, it is always useful to pace the criticizer in some way: “I'm concerned that you think I'm a skunk,” “I appreciate your honesty in telling me that,” “I'm sorry that I upset you,” etc. Then you can ask, “What specifically did I do that was inconsiderate?”
“Watch that Ann continue to gather information until she can make a clear and detailed representation of the criticism in all major representa¬tional systems.”
4. Evaluate the criticism, gathering information when necessary. “Watch Ann as she compares her representation of the criticism with all other information she has about the situation, in order to find out if they match or mismatch.” The simplest and most direct way to do this is to have Ann rerun her own remembered movies of the event and compare them with a movie of the criticism. She can also run movies of the event from different viewpoints, including that of the criticizer, an onlooker, or another relevant person. If she has comments from other onlookers, these may also be useful in evaluating whether or not the criticism contains valid, useful information.
If there is a complete mismatch between the memory and the criticism when she does this, she may need to back up to Step 2 and gather more information about the criticism. For instance, she may not have understood that when the criticizer said she was “shouting” and “ranting,” he meant that the volume and pitch of her voice increased by 10%, and this is something that he is very sensitive to because of a history of being abused.
If there is still a complete mismatch after repeated information—gath¬ering, it may be time for her to conclude that she simply disagrees. The criticizer may be hallucinating or in some other way internally generating experience. His comments aren't really about her, but about himself, his past history, etc. Of course it's also possible that she may have amnesia for what he's talking about, or that her perspective is so different that she hasn't yet found a way to understand the criticizer. Depending on the situation, it mayor may not be worthwhile for her to continue to work toward understanding.
Usually there will be at least some match between that Ann's repre¬sentation and the critizer's. When this is true, she can acknowledge the parts that match, and ask for more information about the parts that she doesn't yet understand.
When the two representations do match, this is equivalent to saying that according to her best information—and the more she has, the better!—the criticism is accurate feedback information that is useful for her to know about.
5. Decide on a response. “Watch Ann as she decides what she wants to do.” So far her only response to the criticizer has been pacing and information—gathering. It is now time for a response, even if it's only an all—purpose response, such as, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention; I'll have to give this some serious thought.” Ann's response will depend on who she is as a person—her outcomes, criteria, values—as well as the context and the criticism itself. She may want to offer an apology, or even some kind of restitution to compensate for what she's done. On the other hand, if her intention was to annoy the criticizer, a simple, “You got my message” may be appropriate. If there is a complete mismatch, she can respond by saying simply, “That's certainly not the way I remember it.” If his view is a possible interpretation of her behavior, she can say, “That certainly isn't the message I meant to convey, but I can see how you could understand it that way. What I intended to do was Y,” and clarify the misunderstanding.
“Observe Ann as she carries out her chosen response.”
6. Consider changing future behavior. “Ask the Ann out there, 'Do you want to use the information you got from this criticism to act differently in the future?' “ If so, watch as Ann selects the new behavior(s), and future—paces the new behavior(s). In step five, you watched Ann respond to the criticizer in the “present.” In this step, you watch Ann decide whether she wants to adjust her behavior in order to get a different response from the criticizer or others in the future. If she does want to be different in the future, now is the time for her to select or create new behaviors and future—pace them into the appropriate contexts. If she doesn't have time at the moment, she can take a minute to carefully record what she wants to change, and program herself to make these changes at a specific time and place when she'll have time to do it. This is future—pacing the process of future—pacing to a time when she can do it more thoroughly.
7. Repetition. It's useful to repeat the strategy two or three times. Each rehearsal should utilize one or more of the major optional elements in the strategy that were not used in previous rehearsals. For instance, if the criticism in the first example was detailed and specific, the next criticism should be so vague that Ann has to gather information in order to make a representation of the criticism. “Watch Ann over there in another situation where she is about to be criticized. This time the criticism will be very general, so she will have to gather detailed information about what the criticizer means. Watch and listen carefully as Ann goes through the same sequence in this situation.”
The major optional elements are:
a. Gathering information when the criticism is vague.
b. Matching or mismatching when comparing the representation of the criticism with your own representation of the same event.
c. Deciding on a response in the immediate situation.
d. Using the information in the criticism to select and future—pace new behavior for the future.
Usually about three rehearsals are enough to install the new strategy. When you think the strategy is installed, you can test: “Ask Ann if she understands this method for responding to criticism well enough to auto¬matically use it any time in the future that you receive criticism.” If the answer is “No,” identify the specific lack of understanding and fix it, or observe her as she runs through the sequence a few more times.
8. Reassociate with the part of you that learned this strategy. It is time to reassociate with the dissociated self in order to incorporate the strategy. “You have just watched a part of yourself learn a new way of responding to criticism in a useful way. I want you to thank her for being a special resource to you in this way. . . . Now I want you to actually reach out with your hands and arms, embrace that Ann, and gently bring her back into you, taking all the time you need, so that all those learnings will be available to you immediately and unconsciously any time you find yourself being criticized in the future.”
As with any NLP technique, you want to be sensitive to any possible objections along the way, and adapt what you do accordingly.
Installation
If you think of a criticism made about you, and use that content to go through the steps of the strategy in your imagination, you can install the strategy in yourself by a process of dissociated rehearsal. The strategy can become really smooth and automatic if you repeat this process with several different kinds of criticism from different people in your life, and in different contexts, so that you generalize and use all elements in the strategy. Although you can install this strategy in yourself, since so many people respond so quickly and “phobically” to criticism, we have found it very helpful to have someone else help you establish the dissociation and offer guidance as you install this strategy.
Summary
1. Install the strategy in a dissociated state.
2. Dissociate from the criticism.
3. Make a dissociated representation of the content of the criticism.
4. Evaluate the criticism, gathering information when necessary.
5. Decide on a response.
6. Consider changing future behavior.
7. Repetition.
8. Reassociate with the part of you that learned this strategy.
NLP Strategy for Responding to Criticism
Or:
1. Install the strategy in a dissociated state. “Ann. see yourself out there in front of you. That Ann is about to learn a new way to respond to criticism.” Do whatever you need to do to maintain the dissociation.
“You can see Ann as far away as you want to, or in black and white, and you can put up a plexiglass barrier in front of you if that helps you stay here as an observer.”
Always use pronouns and location words, such as “her, out there,” to keep that distance and dissociation. Be sure to watch for the nonverbals of dissociation. When Carl was first up here, he started seeing himself over there, and then his shoulders and head came back, which was a good indication that he was getting more fully dissociated. So make sure that the client looks different when she is dissociated than when she is associated.
A few people will prefer to use auditory dissociation—hearing them¬selves on a tape recorder at another location in space—or very rarely even kinesthetic dissociation—feeling themselves with their fingertips at another location in space. You can also use the “as if” frame or vague language for people who don't consciously visualize: “Pretend that you can see yourself over there.” “Get a sense that you are behind a plexiglass shield.”
2. Dissociate from the criticism. “That Ann over there is about to be criticized. Watch and listen as she immediately dissociates from the criticism.” There are various ways for her to do this. One way is for that Ann over there to see herself getting criticized. Another way is for her to print the words of the criticism out in space at about arm's length, or she can step out of her body and see herself receiving the criticism. If simple dissociation alone isn't enough to keep that Ann in front of you in a resourceful state, try using some other supporting submodality shifts. Have that Ann make that dissociated picture of being criticized smaller, farther away, transparent, dimmer, or any other submodality shift that sufficiently diminishes her response. The dissociation prevents the immediate bad feel¬ings that so many people experience, and it also provides the objective viewpoint necessary for the next step.
3. Make a dissociated representation of the content of the criticism. “Watch Ann as she makes a movie of what the criticizer is saying.” Again, that Ann can make this representation smaller and farther away in order for her to maintain a resourceful state. Some people make such big, bright, and close pictures of the “awful” thing they did, that it's very difficult for them to maintain a resource state. She can move it far enough away, or whatever, so that she can be comfortable, yet still see it clearly.
Before you can evaluate criticism, you need to understand it. What does this person mean? If someone says, “You're twenty minutes late; now we'll either have to rush or be late to the movie,” you can easily make a reasonably detailed internal representation of that information in all major representational systems.
However, often criticism is too vague to understand well. If someone says, “You're a skunk,” or “You're inconsiderate,” that Ann will have to gather more specific information in order to know exactly what the criticizer means. Before asking for more information, it is always useful to pace the criticizer in some way: “I'm concerned that you think I'm a skunk,” “I appreciate your honesty in telling me that,” “I'm sorry that I upset you,” etc. Then you can ask, “What specifically did I do that was inconsiderate?”
“Watch that Ann continue to gather information until she can make a clear and detailed representation of the criticism in all major representa¬tional systems.”
4. Evaluate the criticism, gathering information when necessary. “Watch Ann as she compares her representation of the criticism with all other information she has about the situation, in order to find out if they match or mismatch.” The simplest and most direct way to do this is to have Ann rerun her own remembered movies of the event and compare them with a movie of the criticism. She can also run movies of the event from different viewpoints, including that of the criticizer, an onlooker, or another relevant person. If she has comments from other onlookers, these may also be useful in evaluating whether or not the criticism contains valid, useful information.
If there is a complete mismatch between the memory and the criticism when she does this, she may need to back up to Step 2 and gather more information about the criticism. For instance, she may not have understood that when the criticizer said she was “shouting” and “ranting,” he meant that the volume and pitch of her voice increased by 10%, and this is something that he is very sensitive to because of a history of being abused.
If there is still a complete mismatch after repeated information—gath¬ering, it may be time for her to conclude that she simply disagrees. The criticizer may be hallucinating or in some other way internally generating experience. His comments aren't really about her, but about himself, his past history, etc. Of course it's also possible that she may have amnesia for what he's talking about, or that her perspective is so different that she hasn't yet found a way to understand the criticizer. Depending on the situation, it mayor may not be worthwhile for her to continue to work toward understanding.
Usually there will be at least some match between that Ann's repre¬sentation and the critizer's. When this is true, she can acknowledge the parts that match, and ask for more information about the parts that she doesn't yet understand.
When the two representations do match, this is equivalent to saying that according to her best information—and the more she has, the better!—the criticism is accurate feedback information that is useful for her to know about.
5. Decide on a response. “Watch Ann as she decides what she wants to do.” So far her only response to the criticizer has been pacing and information—gathering. It is now time for a response, even if it's only an all—purpose response, such as, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention; I'll have to give this some serious thought.” Ann's response will depend on who she is as a person—her outcomes, criteria, values—as well as the context and the criticism itself. She may want to offer an apology, or even some kind of restitution to compensate for what she's done. On the other hand, if her intention was to annoy the criticizer, a simple, “You got my message” may be appropriate. If there is a complete mismatch, she can respond by saying simply, “That's certainly not the way I remember it.” If his view is a possible interpretation of her behavior, she can say, “That certainly isn't the message I meant to convey, but I can see how you could understand it that way. What I intended to do was Y,” and clarify the misunderstanding.
“Observe Ann as she carries out her chosen response.”
6. Consider changing future behavior. “Ask the Ann out there, 'Do you want to use the information you got from this criticism to act differently in the future?' “ If so, watch as Ann selects the new behavior(s), and future—paces the new behavior(s). In step five, you watched Ann respond to the criticizer in the “present.” In this step, you watch Ann decide whether she wants to adjust her behavior in order to get a different response from the criticizer or others in the future. If she does want to be different in the future, now is the time for her to select or create new behaviors and future—pace them into the appropriate contexts. If she doesn't have time at the moment, she can take a minute to carefully record what she wants to change, and program herself to make these changes at a specific time and place when she'll have time to do it. This is future—pacing the process of future—pacing to a time when she can do it more thoroughly.
7. Repetition. It's useful to repeat the strategy two or three times. Each rehearsal should utilize one or more of the major optional elements in the strategy that were not used in previous rehearsals. For instance, if the criticism in the first example was detailed and specific, the next criticism should be so vague that Ann has to gather information in order to make a representation of the criticism. “Watch Ann over there in another situation where she is about to be criticized. This time the criticism will be very general, so she will have to gather detailed information about what the criticizer means. Watch and listen carefully as Ann goes through the same sequence in this situation.”
The major optional elements are:
a. Gathering information when the criticism is vague.
b. Matching or mismatching when comparing the representation of the criticism with your own representation of the same event.
c. Deciding on a response in the immediate situation.
d. Using the information in the criticism to select and future—pace new behavior for the future.
Usually about three rehearsals are enough to install the new strategy. When you think the strategy is installed, you can test: “Ask Ann if she understands this method for responding to criticism well enough to auto¬matically use it any time in the future that you receive criticism.” If the answer is “No,” identify the specific lack of understanding and fix it, or observe her as she runs through the sequence a few more times.
8. Reassociate with the part of you that learned this strategy. It is time to reassociate with the dissociated self in order to incorporate the strategy. “You have just watched a part of yourself learn a new way of responding to criticism in a useful way. I want you to thank her for being a special resource to you in this way. . . . Now I want you to actually reach out with your hands and arms, embrace that Ann, and gently bring her back into you, taking all the time you need, so that all those learnings will be available to you immediately and unconsciously any time you find yourself being criticized in the future.”
As with any NLP technique, you want to be sensitive to any possible objections along the way, and adapt what you do accordingly.
Installation
If you think of a criticism made about you, and use that content to go through the steps of the strategy in your imagination, you can install the strategy in yourself by a process of dissociated rehearsal. The strategy can become really smooth and automatic if you repeat this process with several different kinds of criticism from different people in your life, and in different contexts, so that you generalize and use all elements in the strategy. Although you can install this strategy in yourself, since so many people respond so quickly and “phobically” to criticism, we have found it very helpful to have someone else help you establish the dissociation and offer guidance as you install this strategy.
Summary
1. Install the strategy in a dissociated state.
2. Dissociate from the criticism.
3. Make a dissociated representation of the content of the criticism.
4. Evaluate the criticism, gathering information when necessary.
5. Decide on a response.
6. Consider changing future behavior.
7. Repetition.
8. Reassociate with the part of you that learned this strategy.
NLP Strategy for Responding to Criticism
Or:
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