Am i too controlling? Did it make sense? (3 Viewers)

[kisshuhua09baby]

I had a gf (I'll call her Winz)before I think I spoke about her here a lot back when i was a sophomore and junior. One time in February we had a bit of a falling out. There's also another character involved here used to be friends with him but not any more T because he was horrible to me and also very weird in his home life from accounts of what my friends told me back when they used to talk to him. Heis someone who's emotionally hurt me a lot and Ive spoken to my own friends about it before and spoken to Winz about it before too. One day after he hadn't been at school for a long time he came back and at first I was shocked and realized that was really him. I thought he'd left the school by now but seems he didn't. I was ranting about it to the group and later on while walking to class also told Winz about it and she had said "I don't know, I dont have a problem with him." And that felt for the least a bit disrespectful but I didnt let it anger me too much and i tried explaining how he is a bad person just in case she needed a refresh and she still seemed unmoved and even when I brought it to the absolute worst things things none of us would do because it's genuinely morally unforgivable she still seemed unmoved and at that point it came to me yelling because I felt like it wasn't getting in her head that I genuinely cared because he hurt me and I didn't want him to hurt her. We didn't speak for a while after that but after once she did decide to acknowledge me again she didn't necessarily apologize but she clarified that she didnt mean she was friends with him which yeah that's good to know but that doesnt seem like an apology toward the real issue, making me feel like my point was disregarded in favor of solely considering your own view when he has hurt people before. I think I recall a while later after when she said she needed space from me in May after that I was torn but later I revisited the outburst and clarified what I meant and I think we came to an agreement but still im not sure if she ever said sorry and I think I was the only one to really apologize for how harsh it was to yell even if my heart was at the right place. I dont think I'm controlling and I wasnt trying to be but he in particular has personally hurt me. It's not the same as not wanting her to passively like insta stories from people I dont know this is real life and real serious shit. What do any of you think

 

[HugeBakkaeMotae]

It's going to be near impossible for anyone here to tell you who was in the right without having been in the situation first-hand or knowing every detail and perspective of the story, however, it sounds like a pretty common clash of personality; You want her to understand and if she did she would obviously agree, right? Of course she is not obligated to agree with you but under the right circumstances one might think that she should. She just doesn't seem to take the situation as seriously as you do; it might be because she's afraid of conflict/thinks you are wrong OR she simply doesn't care.

I think what you really should be asking yourself is not who is in the right but whether you want to associate with someone who makes you feel this way because let me tell you - even if you manage to convince her to feel the same way you do it's rarely satisfying because you had to convince her to do it and you will have to do that every time a subject like this comes up.
I also get losing your temper but raising your voice (even if you feel it was justified) will at best make her double down and at worst make her too scared to disagree with you - it's never going to make her agree and you'll lose something you can't ever get back when you do. You can make her pretend to agree with you but that will never make you happy if you're not actually compatible.

I'm not going to suggest an action for you to take but thoughts for you to ponder because I believe in your heart you know better than anyone else what the right course of action is if you put your feelings aside and really sit with it for a while.

On a personal level I dealt with this in every relationship I had under the age of 25 and it just comes down to the fact that most people that age just isn't that serious and doesn't want conflict. I know it's not what anyone wants to hear but a lot of it's hormonal and immaturity and it'll get better as you get older and a big part of why it does is because you get to have these experiences now and learn from them.

I think it's very good that you're standing on principle and making your disagreements clear by the way but if she's made it clear that she's unwilling to change her mind there's not much you can do but decide whether this is something you can live with.

 

[kisshuhua09baby]

It's going to be near impossible for anyone here to tell you who was in the right without having been in the situation first-hand or knowing every detail and perspective of the story, however, it sounds like a pretty common clash of personality; You want her to understand and if she did she would obviously agree, right? Of course she is not obligated to agree with you but under the right circumstances one might think that she should. She just doesn't seem to take the situation as seriously as you do; it might be because she's afraid of conflict/thinks you are wrong OR she simply doesn't care.

I think what you really should be asking yourself is not who is in the right but whether you want to associate with someone who makes you feel this way because let me tell you - even if you manage to convince her to feel the same way you do it's rarely satisfying because you had to convince her to do it and you will have to do that every time a subject like this comes up.
I also get losing your temper but raising your voice (even if you feel it was justified) will at best make her double down and at worst make her too scared to disagree with you - it's never going to make her agree and you'll lose something you can't ever get back when you do. You can make her pretend to agree with you but that will never make you happy if you're not actually compatible.

I'm not going to suggest an action for you to take but thoughts for you to ponder because I believe in your heart you know better than anyone else what the right course of action is if you put your feelings aside and really sit with it for a while.

On a personal level I dealt with this in every relationship I had under the age of 25 and it just comes down to the fact that most people that age just isn't that serious and doesn't want conflict. I know it's not what anyone wants to hear but a lot of it's hormonal and immaturity and it'll get better as you get older and a big part of why it does is because you get to have these experiences now and learn from them.

I think it's very good that you're standing on principle and making your disagreements clear by the way but if she's made it clear that she's unwilling to change her mind there's not much you can do but decide whether this is something you can live with.

It's hurt but we have drifted away more and as much as I hate to admit it had to come to that broken up on her request. My pride isn't hurt but it happening made me think for a quick second that I'd failed after swearing I'd never fail again. My friend had also mentioned when I brought the situation up to him "if she's okay with laughing at her own trauma and brushing it aside to avoid the bigger conversation, how do you think she's processing it when it's someone else's situation?" and while I see where he's coming from it feels a bit flawed. Overall the cure to this has just been no longer being together anymore. Even back when this happened my other older friend told me I probably should break up with her but I didnt want that to happen. I honestly need to grow more of a backbone too and just let go of the people that can't respect me or don't get how I feel on things like this. If something comes up or I see her at a debate or a track meet I'll give her a civil wave and send off for the most but after revisiting this I've found I really did need someone better

 

[HugeBakkaeMotae]

It's hurt but we have drifted away more and as much as I hate to admit it had to come to that broken up on her request. My pride isn't hurt but it happening made me think for a quick second that I'd failed after swearing I'd never fail again. My friend had also mentioned when I brought the situation up to him "if she's okay with laughing at her own trauma and brushing it aside to avoid the bigger conversation, how do you think she's processing it when it's someone else's situation?" and while I see where he's coming from it feels a bit flawed. Overall the cure to this has just been no longer being together anymore. Even back when this happened my other older friend told me I probably should break up with her but I didnt want that to happen. I honestly need to grow more of a backbone too and just let go of the people that can't respect me or don't get how I feel on things like this. If something comes up or I see her at a debate or a track meet I'll give her a civil wave and send off for the most but after revisiting this I've found I really did need someone better

It takes wisdom to know when to move on, and strength to put it into action. Habits and ties of familiarity are hard to break even when they no longer make us happy - that's just how humans are wired, we need to trust our experience that it will get better later because it'll never feel like it will.

In the words of a wise man who recently passed away;



Don't beat yourself up too much, it happens to all of us. I wish you luck with this situation.