LIFE update, from hell ! (feeling: NORMAL!) (1 Viewer)

[x_x]

this is a self update for myself because my personal journal needs to be aired out to the world
documented for all to see
im just rambling about my declining mental health that sometimes knows how to 📈

im at a point where im feeling much better mentally than ive had in the past year
reasoning? there is none. it's just happened, can this change at any given moment? of course!
its expected! but i want to take care of what i have right now before i lose it again!
since last august? perhaps? it's felt like a a snowball piling up to an avalanche of just shit upon shit loading into my brain,
it really felt like death was coming for me,
now this happens all the time, dont get me wrong. but man has it been hitting HARD!!!
like nothing i could every do could change the outcome of my life
i become productive, i do things in life i wanna do, but one roadblock and its OVER
DONE FOR. IM FINISHED AS A PERSON.
i am STUCK in this timeloop for the end of time.

so i processed everything so negatively, the way i mentally handle things is always so STRONG.
bad stuff happens, my brain computes it as HELL ON EARTH DOOMSDAY, EVERYTHING IS OVER AND YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM THIS
so in turn i felt like i couldnt be a HUMAN, if i spoke to anybody, if i did anything, just existing felt WORTHLESS
sometimes it'd make me so mad, just from even trying! and id ending up lashing out (verbally! talking to myself!) in ways that i dont even know why!
like a little creature in my brain took over the steering wheel and just started doing its own thang out of vengeance and spite over.... myself???
who is speaking? who were you talking to? who was the enemy?
the ONLY one who knows you is yourself, the ONLY one who stays by you your entire life from start to finish is yourself
why turn yourself into the enemy?!
IF I DONT GOT ME, THEN WHO GETS ME?

music feels so dull, gaming is just a void to fill my time with to avoid thinking, im still creating art but am i having fun?
why am i not filling the joy and happiness that my interest as supposed to be giving me?
that's the whole purpose right? avoid the mental hardships of life by filling up all your time with interests and hobbies to make you happy!!
but why isnt it working!!!
hell, i couldnt even eat real food because it was all making me ill! the only thing i could stomach was the blandest thing you could think of
crackers, sliced bread, and the occasional hot chip if im feeling a lil fun (quite honestly my diet this whole year so far)
its like, whats the point of doing anything! (we all know this feeling! hands up my brothers and sisters!!)
and i always try to tell myself there IS NO point, but that is OK because we all MAKE IT UP ALONG THE WAY!!
like hannah montana once said, life's what you make it, so let's make it rock!!!
but sometimes that mindset is just way too hard to hold onto!!

all of

that
followed by my current surroundings completely overstimulating my brain to the point i was having multiple panic attacks
on a weekly basis due to my neighbors and other things, noises, happenings, LIKE I WAS LIVING IN MY OWN PERSONALLY CURRATED HELL!! NO ESCAPE!!
since DECEMBER ive been being bombarded with noises left and right at UNGODLY hours and almost ALL hours of the day, yes! i reported many times!! nothing happened!! i asked them to plz quiet down!! i fought back!!! IT NEVER STOPS! THEY DONT CAREEEEEE
since i have misophonia, noises like this quite literally SHUT ME DOWN. so i wasn't able to do ANYTHING except PANIC until it was over!!
hindering me on so much!! time = WASTED!! contributing to my loop of "I CANT DO ANYTTHINGGG!!

"

i contribute a LOT of my time loss this year due to... THOSE situationS.
how did the autistic misophonia riddled high anxiety'd mfr end up in the noisest building unit in the complex?! the answer may shock you!!
LEASING OFFICE MANAGEMENT FOOLED ME

REALLY FELT LIKE ALL HOPE IS LOST FOR THE CASE OF KPS USER @dimanche !!

THAT BEING SAID
right now,,, i think my brain is processing and functioning at stable levels compared to before
that i can be a functioning member of society in this point of time and not feel anxiety or panic course through my veins if i even so walk into a building full of people so i just start screaming.
ive gotten a temporary solution to avoid the noises and not be mentally overstimulated to hell, negative things happen to me and im having OK reactions,
im feeling ALMOST like myself again
nothing has changed, it's just better right now..... until it wont be

so am i ok? definitely not!
am i ok right now? probably!
will i try my best to push myself PROPERLY without overdoing it to the point of burnout followed by self hatred?
I WILL >TRY<
i want to find that love, joy and happiness i once had !! where did it go!! i cant give up until i find it again!!!
that's my new motivation!!
i will figure this out!!
i will be happy again!!

tldr;
ive lost all hope in life!! and that is okay!!
because one day i could always find it again!

btw i wanna clarify, "feeling normal" is just a joke we are all "normal" no matter what are brains are telling us <3
because how can you define normal? societal standards? that all means bs.
dont let ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!!​

 

[Harmony_Starz]

I have been so worried about you for so many months, this makes me so genuinely happy and I hope that this will last and that you can find joy and happiness in life again!

 

[x_x]

I have been so worried about you for so many months, this makes me so genuinely happy and I hope that this will last and that you can find joy and happiness in life again!

aaaa thank you so much;;; ive been struggling so bad but it feels like im climbing the mountain once again rather than falling, good signs !!!
one day!! i know i got it in me!!! i just dont know where i left it !!

 

[Harmony_Starz]

aaaa thank you so much;;; ive been struggling so bad but it feels like im climbing the mountain once again rather than falling, good signs !!!
one day!! i know i got it in me!!! i just dont know where i left it !!

You can do this sister, I know you can, you're so strong I hope things will start going uphill from now on

 

[x_x]

You can do this sister, I know you can, you're so strong I hope things will start going uphill from now on

you are way too kind my friend it will!! i will force it to!!

 

[Harmony_Starz]

you are way too kind my friend it will!! i will force it to!!

You are too, I am blessed to have met you I believe in you sister!!! You can do this!!!!!

 

[x_x]

You are too, I am blessed to have met you I believe in you sister!!! You can do this!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Yelena_Belova]

I had no idea you were dealing with all this. I knew you weren't having the best time, but I didn't realize it was this bad. I'm glad things are better though, at least for now. Is there some sort of ADA or disabilities advocacy you could take advantage of to either get your current apartment to move you to a quiter area, or to help you move to a new place? Sure, if it was only mildly annoying that would be one thing, but you have an actual condition and the loud noises are negatively affecting you more than they would most people. As your other problems, I am glad things are getting better. I do hope you have a good support system, whether that is friends, family or therapy, or something else entirely.

 

[x_x]

I had no idea you were dealing with all this. I knew you weren't having the best time, but I didn't realize it was this bad. I'm glad things are better though, at least for now. Is there some sort of ADA or disabilities advocacy you could take advantage of to either get your current apartment to move you to a quiter area, or to help you move to a new place? Sure, if it was only mildly annoying that would be one thing, but you have an actual condition and the loud noises are negatively affecting you more than they would most people. As your other problems, I am glad things are getting better. I do hope you have a good support system, whether that is friends, family or therapy, or something else entirely.

i havent even considered that, im typically a person who just attempts to take the brunt of it all just simply out of fear of going outside my box and general fear of just.... reaching out? speaking? it doesnt even make sense, but the brain works in mysterious ways 😭 i severely need to look into it, for the betterment of my health tho for real, thank you 😭 moving to a new place entirely will be hard but im so desperate to, to be honest, if only i could drive so i wouldnt have the need to live close to work 😢
thank you, thank you, im so glad i have my roommate bc i truly think i would've gone insane now by myself in this place if not having her w/ me yahaha

 

[Villains]

i had noticed you weren't doing too well but i never really understood the full scope of what you were going through. you can do this i believe in you fam !! the fact that you want to keep moving and find that purpose in your life again is a sign enough that you're stronger than you think because despite all that you can still feel like wanting to push forward

 

[x_x]

i had noticed you weren't doing too well but i never really understood the full scope of what you were going through. you can do this i believe in you fam !! the fact that you want to keep moving and find that purpose in your life again is a sign enough that you're stronger than you think because despite all that you can still feel like wanting to push forward

_(:^」∠)_ thank you !! such kind words <3 :taeilsob: as long as im here.... anything can change... i hope i never lose this mindset even in my worst of moments 😭

 

[Yelena_Belova]

i havent even considered that, im typically a person who just attempts to take the brunt of it all just simply out of fear of going outside my box and general fear of just.... reaching out? speaking? it doesnt even make sense, but the brain works in mysterious ways 😭 i severely need to look into it, for the betterment of my health tho for real, thank you 😭 moving to a new place entirely will be hard but im so desperate to, to be honest, if only i could drive so i wouldnt have the need to live close to work 😢
thank you, thank you, im so glad i have my roommate bc i truly think i would've gone insane now by myself in this place if not having her w/ me yahaha

I get that, and brains are weird sometimes. I hope it works out if you do end up doing that. You can always look into learning to drive (if you don't know how) and getting a car, even if it's a cheap one at first. It's scary, but really useful to know how to do and be able to do it. I'm glad you have her too. Maybe she can help you fill out the disability housing thingies and/or look for new places.

 

[x_x]

I get that, and brains are weird sometimes. I hope it works out if you do end up doing that. You can always look into learning to drive (if you don't know how) and getting a car, even if it's a cheap one at first. It's scary, but really useful to know how to do and be able to do it. I'm glad you have her too. Maybe she can help you fill out the disability housing thingies and/or look for new places.

honestly, i wanna learn to drive so bad, but my eyes are against me... cursed with cross eyes that give me double vision....

though i feel like half of my problems would be solved if i can just drive LOL. i even looked up surgeries to see what itd be like to fix my eyes but my goddd it looks scary ;w;

 

[Selfmate]

if you ever need to chat I'm sure there's other people here who are more empathetic but if you are seeking a sarcastic, egotistic LSM I'm your man lol

 

[x_x]

if you ever need to chat I'm sure there's other people here who are more empathetic but if you are seeking a sarcastic, egotistic LSM I'm your man lol

thank you legend yahaha

 

[Selfmate]

thank you legend yahaha

tell me one interesting thing you did while you were AWOL my friend?

 

[x_x]

tell me one interesting thing you did while you were AWOL my friend?

oh ummmmmmmm

ah!! i saw bang yongguk in concert !!! it was so hype

 

[Selfmate]

oh ummmmmmmm

ah!! i saw bang yongguk in concert !!! it was so hype

sounds cool
I don't know who he is but was this your first time seeing him in concert?

 

[x_x]

sounds cool
I don't know who he is but was this your first time seeing him in concert?

he's the leader of B.A.P ^^ (if you know them? older group, yahaha)
yee!! never got to see bap live, and he didnt have his solo concerts near me before so finaalllly , @/SugarPoppinBSI took me to see him and im so thankful

 

[Selfmate]

he's the leader of B.A.P ^^ (if you know them? older group, yahaha)
yee!! never got to see bap live, and he didnt have his solo concerts near me before so finaalllly , @/SugarPoppinBSI took me to see him and im so thankful

BAP was a bit before my time lol
I'm glad you had fun and enjoyed yourself