This is a random thread but ... how do you show affection w/o misinterpretation (1 Viewer)

[Yelena_Belova]

Ok this is random ... but like genuinely

is this a rational fear ppl have? You want to say smth to a friend but you're worried it's seen romantically? (like moreso irl

Yep! All the time! Especially with people I used to be romantically involved with, but no longer am. I'm worried that they'll mistake it for flirting, and it'll make things awkward between us, or they'll misinterpret it as me wanting us back together and read into it too much, when I just want to be nice and give them a few heartfelt compliments.

What I find works best is to do a variety of things:

1) Compliment everyone. Random strangers you've never met before, cashiers, close friends, family members, acquaintances, ect. Once you do this long enough, other people will start associating it with just the way you are, instead of overthinking your intent. It'll start becoming: "Oh, that's just how X is," instead of: "Is X flirting with me?" As an added bonus, it'll also brighten their day (in most cases), and build you a reputation for being really nice. It might be hard and anxiety inducing to start initially, but I think it's more than worth it, if you don't do this already.

2) If you think option one by itself won't work out for you for one reason or another, or you just don't want to do it, another thing you can do (either in addition to or instead of the other one) is either before or after the compliment, clarify that you mean it in a platonic way. Examples might include: "Don't take this the wrong way, but [compliment]." or "I mean this as a friend/in a platonic way but [compliment]." or "[compliment], I just mean that in a friendly way though." You get the idea.

 

[litc]

then you should be like selfie!!!
like I've said to @Mrs_Minatozaki many times - my ego is so high it's halfway on it's journey to Kwangya

I'll try explain what I do when I sometimes receive a compliment - ask them to explain what is it that I did that deserved such compliment and therefore continue to or strive to emulate such behaviour

what if it's clear why the compliment was given (like you do smth, and get called smart)?

Doesn't that only work with broad compliments?

Yep! All the time! Especially with people I used to be romantically involved with, but no longer am. I'm worried that they'll mistake it for flirting, and it'll make things awkward between us, or they'll misinterpret it as me wanting us back together and read into it too much, when I just want to be nice and give them a few heartfelt compliments.

What I find works best is to do a variety of things:

1) Compliment everyone. Random strangers you've never met before, cashiers, close friends, family members, acquaintances, ect. Once you do this long enough, other people will start associating it with just the way you are, instead of overthinking your intent. It'll start becoming: "Oh, that's just how X is," instead of: "Is X flirting with me?" As an added bonus, it'll also brighten their day (in most cases), and build you a reputation for being really nice. It might be hard and anxiety inducing to start initially, but I think it's more than worth it, if you don't do this already.

2) If you think option one by itself won't work out for you for one reason or another, or you just don't want to do it, another thing you can do (either in addition to or instead of the other one) is either before or after the compliment, clarify that you mean it in a platonic way. Examples might include: "Don't take this the wrong way, but [compliment]." or "I mean this as a friend/in a platonic way but [compliment]." or "[compliment], I just mean that in a friendly way though." You get the idea.

thank you for taking the time to reply like this youchan

ah that's not the case for me, I've never been romantically involved lol

I think I'm too shy for the first one tbh I do try to compliment and always say thank you to ppl, and already have a reputation for being sweet,

I'm glad I'm not alone and you've found things that work for you tho

btw it went well, no misinterpretation

I think part of the problem is being ace (I remember you are too) so to some extent it's harder to understand what people would see as romantic or maybe I just need to get better at that

 

[Yelena_Belova]

what if it's clear why the compliment was given (like you do smth, and get called smart)?

Doesn't that only work with broad compliments?

thank you for taking the time to reply like this youchan

ah that's not the case for me, I've never been romantically involved lol

I think I'm too shy for the first one tbh I do try to compliment and always say thank you to ppl, and already have a reputation for being sweet,

I'm glad I'm not alone and you've found things that work for you tho

btw it went well, no misinterpretation

I think part of the problem is being ace (I remember you are too) so to some extent it's harder to understand what people would see as romantic or maybe I just need to get better at that

No problem! I see, I hope you find the right person if that's something you want for yourself one day. If not, no worries, that's fine too.

Makes sense, and at least you do it already, so you're all good there. Same goes for you, and I'm glad it went well.

Spoiler

Ah, I understand. I used to have an impossible time telling if something was romantic or platonic unless it's really obvious, but I've gotten better at it over time.

 

[uran]

I have bad record of my friends falling for me so i am careful not to give wrong ideas. But my friends are so cute and adorable little nuggets how can i not flirt with them

 

[Selfmate]

what if it's clear why the compliment was given (like you do smth, and get called smart)?

Doesn't that only work with broad compliments?

but they've already given you the compliment no?
and it seems you understand the reason why they gave you the compliment so just say thanks?

 

[Abeamus]

There's plenty of compliments you can give without being flirtatious like calling someone smart, telling them good job or that you're proud of them are all nice things to hear that aren't likely to evoke romantic feelings.

You'll probably know if someone likes you by them being overly complimentary but the kind of compliment can tell a story too like calling someone cute doesn't have to be a romantic description like you think of kittens you'd describe them as cute but if it's used a lot then it could be.

Generally if there's a big rate of compliments then chances are the person is trying to impress you because no one compliments someone a ton for the sake of it as it can and likely will overwhelm someone and unsettle them.

As for not being comfortable with receiving compliments yourself that you just need to get used to and find responses for like if someone calls you beautiful you can "thanks you look nice too" it's still compliment them but it's a neutral compliment since nice is a very low compliment and compliments like that will dial down the energy if you wanna avoid leading it that way.

 

[litc]

but they've already given you the compliment no?
and it seems you understand the reason why they gave you the compliment so just say thanks?

Yeah I just don't know how to deal with attention (be it negative or positive) or affection

No problem! I see, I hope you find the right person if that's something you want for yourself one day. If not, no worries, that's fine too.

Makes sense, and at least you do it already, so you're all good there. Same goes for you, and I'm glad it went well.

Spoiler

Ah, I understand. I used to have an impossible time telling if something was romantic or platonic unless it's really obvious, but I've gotten better at it over time.

There's plenty of compliments you can give without being flirtatious like calling someone smart, telling them good job or that you're proud of them are all nice things to hear that aren't likely to evoke romantic feelings.

You'll probably know if someone likes you by them being overly complimentary but the kind of compliment can tell a story too like calling someone cute doesn't have to be a romantic description like you think of kittens you'd describe them as cute but if it's used a lot then it could be.

Generally if there's a big rate of compliments then chances are the person is trying to impress you because no one compliments someone a ton for the sake of it as it can and likely will overwhelm someone and unsettle them.

As for not being comfortable with receiving compliments yourself that you just need to get used to and find responses for like if someone calls you beautiful you can "thanks you look nice too" it's still compliment them but it's a neutral compliment since nice is a very low compliment and compliments like that will dial down the energy if you wanna avoid leading it that way.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses

And yeah Abe that's exactly the thing, I'd say cute and it would be taken that way, but it wasn't romantic at all

I think it's less about compliments or romance and more a me problem in general, because not even just friends, I struggle with dealing with attention and receiving/giving affection with family too I need to work on my emotional intelligence

I think it's just me

 

[Abeamus]

Yeah I just don't know how to deal with attention (be it negative or positive) or affection


Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses

And yeah Abe that's exactly the thing, I'd say cute and it would be taken that way, but it wasn't romantic at all

I think it's less about compliments or romance and more a me problem in general, because not even just friends, I struggle with dealing with attention and receiving/giving affection with family too I need to work on my emotional intelligence

I think it's just me

Well sometimes you can't help someone taking something the wrong way especially since you're a girl so if you call someone cute who could have a romantic interest in you it'd be a lot easier for them to take that the wrong way but you shouldn't let that deter you since even a girl just being nice to a guy can be seen as something it's not which you wouldn't start just being mean because of that now.

You're better off looking for signs of people being "too friendly" with you so you can just ask them and shut it down if the feeling is not mutual and as for you yourself being uncomfortable with that kind of affection then it's just a possibility you aren't like I know a girl who doesn't even like being called beautiful and will draw the line at cute as far as compliments she'd take so don't sweat it if you are just know what you're good with and what you aren't.

 

[litc]

Well sometimes you can't help someone taking something the wrong way especially since you're a girl so if you call someone cute who could have a romantic interest in you it'd be a lot easier for them to take that the wrong way but you shouldn't let that deter you since even a girl just being nice to a guy can be seen as something it's not which you wouldn't start just being mean because of that now.

You're better off looking for signs of people being "too friendly" with you so you can just ask them and shut it down if the feeling is not mutual and as for you yourself being uncomfortable with that kind of affection then it's just a possibility you aren't like I know a girl who doesn't even like being called beautiful and will draw the line at cute as far as compliments she'd take so don't sweat it if you are just know what you're good with and what you aren't.

Ah yeah I have a problem with that (telling the "too friendly") and am pretty gullible so I think that's it It's because of autism tho