Official ✯ ✵ Mental Health Support✯ ✵ (5 Viewers)

[x_x]

i geniunely dont understand whats wrong with me anymore
even when i can handle myself
im still affected so negatively

even on other days when nothing is wrong
im still affected negatively like its a meter increasing waiting to blow
i just DONT know

what i thought i knew, well it is. but even when it isnt... it still is!

its no coincidence when it happens, thats what i know for sure.

can i really just not exist in public without feeling like the god awful creature that needs to be put away. no matter what? its not a matter of negative expriences outweighing the positive experiences. its just experiences. anything everything. it geniunely feels like the only way i can exist and be moderately happy is just to block myself from everything but thats not what i want. i just want to be happy, socially. i thought getting better at that, everything else would come naturally but ive learned that changing the wrapping doesnt change whats inside.

im not a reclusive person at heart, yet im being forced to be one by myself.

i can keep trying over and over but it's geniunely a way of deeply harming myself over and over. despite what i really always wished for, its just something i have to give up until i figure out how to fix whatever happened to me to end up the way.

most importantly i need to remind myself that just because im happy for a couple days doesnt mean im okay. the best way i can put it, its like ive learned to ride a bike and suddenly i think i can get behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler, and then realizing in the middle of a highway this not how this works. if i think like this, then jumping back in is... increasingly more harmful than the harm of keeping to myself. being alone is severely the worst but i really have no choice and it sucks. it really sucks.


i just keep waiting for that new life to hit despite how many times i have to remind myself this is the only one im getting.

 

[snsd2beg]

It's hard to imagine myself being better.
If I was meant to different, wouldn't I already be that? How is it change when it just feels like lying?
I wish I could kill the part of me that wants. I don't want to want people.
If a god exists, it is evil.
Why make me insufferable and unable to love but have me crave it? What the fuck is wrong with you?

 

[snsd2beg]

It's hard to imagine myself being better.
If I was meant to different, wouldn't I already be that? How is it change when it just feels like lying?
I wish I could kill the part of me that wants. I don't want to want people.
If a god exists, it is evil.
Why make me insufferable and unable to love but have me crave it? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Okay, drama queen.

 

[dark_tranquility]

It's hard to imagine myself being better.
If I was meant to different, wouldn't I already be that? How is it change when it just feels like lying?
I wish I could kill the part of me that wants. I don't want to want people.
If a god exists, it is evil.
Why make me insufferable and unable to love but have me crave it? What the fuck is wrong with you?

if we were promised heaven
then why are we in hell

 

[dark_tranquility]

he hates all of us
he hates all of us forever

 

[dark_tranquility]

I wish extreme metal wasn't compared into getting mental health issues
its ignorance and not to mention it hasn't been proven

 

[snsd2beg]

I have one slightly negative interaction and feel like I'm the most evil mf on earth and I need to kill myself

 

[dark_tranquility]

i geniunely dont understand whats wrong with me anymore
even when i can handle myself
im still affected so negatively

even on other days when nothing is wrong
im still affected negatively like its a meter increasing waiting to blow
i just DONT know

what i thought i knew, well it is. but even when it isnt... it still is!

its no coincidence when it happens, thats what i know for sure.

can i really just not exist in public without feeling like the god awful creature that needs to be put away. no matter what? its not a matter of negative expriences outweighing the positive experiences. its just experiences. anything everything. it geniunely feels like the only way i can exist and be moderately happy is just to block myself from everything but thats not what i want. i just want to be happy, socially. i thought getting better at that, everything else would come naturally but ive learned that changing the wrapping doesnt change whats inside.

im not a reclusive person at heart, yet im being forced to be one by myself.

i can keep trying over and over but it's geniunely a way of deeply harming myself over and over. despite what i really always wished for, its just something i have to give up until i figure out how to fix whatever happened to me to end up the way.

most importantly i need to remind myself that just because im happy for a couple days doesnt mean im okay. the best way i can put it, its like ive learned to ride a bike and suddenly i think i can get behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler, and then realizing in the middle of a highway this not how this works. if i think like this, then jumping back in is... increasingly more harmful than the harm of keeping to myself. being alone is severely the worst but i really have no choice and it sucks. it really sucks.


i just keep waiting for that new life to hit despite how many times i have to remind myself this is the only one im getting.

I am sad for your situation
we all care about you
you're loved friend

 

[x_x]

I am sad for your situation
we all care about you
you're loved friend

thank you
i think
my social self esteem is just so low its ripping me apart at every angle
i want to believe ive gotten better or ive passed that
but its certainly not the case!
its weird to come to the conclusion considering........ ive always been like this.... i always knew this.... its just a repetitive cycle.... that i dont want to be true....
only one solution yet i continuously do not listen to myself
i am the yearner of being social with the capacity of handling nothing that comes with it
its awesome (its not)

but sincerely thank you for always sending me nice words

 

[dark_tranquility]

thank you
i think
my social self esteem is just so low its ripping me apart at every angle
i want to believe ive gotten better or ive passed that
but its certainly not the case!
its weird to come to the conclusion considering........ ive always been like this.... i always knew this.... its just a repetitive cycle.... that i dont want to be true....
only one solution yet i continuously do not listen to myself
i am the yearner of being social with the capacity of handling nothing that comes with it
its awesome (its not)

but sincerely thank you for always sending me nice words

you're very welcome, anytime

 

[sooya_]

Warning: This is a shitty yap and it contains mentions of suic!de so take care before u read or whatever

Spoiler: I went to the doctors

and when I was there, they gave me and my sister sheets. it was a qna and those get me gigglin' for some damn reason because I like to be taken back and shit and idk its just my way of coping w this shitty life. on it had some questions, like, " ... Any thoughts you'd be better of ded?" I could feel my moms eyes on my hand as I hovered over yes. I mean, I couldn't control the anticipation to tell someone how my thoughts get intrusive and I can't help but hate on myself, because I know it'd be a better place and no one would care if I died, except maybe my famiy because my sister would have to o more work and my mom would place things on my sis like the label, " Older sibling" and stuff but that doesn't matter at all.Then she was like, " What are you doing?????!?!?!?! They are gonna think you're crazy and give you a medication..." And I mumbled a short No and she barked back, " Who knows more? Me or you?" I quickly put an " X" on every single answer, following my mother's instructions, and not even looking at the questions because, one, my eyes wouldn't allow me, and two, it was no use. My sister was like, " No, mom, you have to be honest!!!" And backing me up but my mom told her not to. Just a tiny thingy because when I was given a chance to talk about my overwhelming feelings, a rare as FUCK chance, it was ruined, of course. maybe I don't deserve to live, yeah, but... Why? Why can't one good thing happen before,,,???

 

[dark_tranquility]

Warning: This is a shitty yap and it contains mentions of suic!de so take care before u read or whatever

Spoiler: I went to the doctors

and when I was there, they gave me and my sister sheets. it was a qna and those get me gigglin' for some damn reason because I like to be taken back and shit and idk its just my way of coping w this shitty life. on it had some questions, like, " ... Any thoughts you'd be better of ded?" I could feel my moms eyes on my hand as I hovered over yes. I mean, I couldn't control the anticipation to tell someone how my thoughts get intrusive and I can't help but hate on myself, because I know it'd be a better place and no one would care if I died, except maybe my famiy because my sister would have to o more work and my mom would place things on my sis like the label, " Older sibling" and stuff but that doesn't matter at all.Then she was like, " What are you doing?????!?!?!?! They are gonna think you're crazy and give you a medication..." And I mumbled a short No and she barked back, " Who knows more? Me or you?" I quickly put an " X" on every single answer, following my mother's instructions, and not even looking at the questions because, one, my eyes wouldn't allow me, and two, it was no use. My sister was like, " No, mom, you have to be honest!!!" And backing me up but my mom told her not to. Just a tiny thingy because when I was given a chance to talk about my overwhelming feelings, a rare as FUCK chance, it was ruined, of course. maybe I don't deserve to live, yeah, but... Why? Why can't one good thing happen before,,,???

I've been through a few suicide attempts
The world is shit and hard to deal with
Only thing that keeps me going is family
I was trying to do suicide at 12
We each deal in our own ways
Just harder is all

 

[sooya_]

Spoiler: Warning: Internalized homophobia, coo-coo, words

I broke down crying today. I dont know why... But I just did. It was like someone d.ed in front of me. I don't know. I... I just feel stressed and I crave a hug and a deep talk with someone. But I can't get that in real life...
My mom might think I'm crazy, my sister won't take me seriously and my brother is too little. I have no friends who I would talk to about this stress. Online, I feel like a burden if I spill my thoughts to someone. So I'll just spill to no one in particular:
I'm tired. Scared, exhausted, pressured, tyring-to-be-something-im-not, hated and... I don't know...
I can't stop the tears and I even think I'm a bit crazy. I just wish I couldnt feel anything, yeah, that'd be a pretty cool power. I wish I was cis + het and Christian and sweet like I " was-before"
But when we moved here, I started to get so angry and I couldn't control myself and I wished I would d.e and I wished my mom had aborted me. It would have been better. Then I met this girl, let's call her Emma. Emma's friend, let's call him, 1, was following us around the playground as me and Emma were getting to know each other. 1 blurted, " You know Emma is lesbian right?" Then he snickered as Emma shot him a stink eye and quickly muttered, " No, I'm not..."
I tilted my head, remembering that my mom had said lesbian's wanted to be men and if I hung out with one, I'd turn lesbian.
So I smiled and gave 1 a look that said, " Don't put words in you sibling's mouth, okay honey?" And I said, " Hey, don't say that." In a sweety tone and I turned my attention to the playground.
But then after me and Emma got to know each other, Emma told me she was a lesbian. I think she thought I was bisexual or something because I then realized I had found some girls pleasing to look at. And I had a BIT of a tiny " crush" on Emma but didn't wanna admit it.
So I stuck with " bi"
Then she gave me her number ( I asked my mom to contact Emma on her phone ) and started sending me gifs of these gay characters and I was pissed.
" Is Emma telling me she likes me? Eww..." I rolled my eyes, thinking of romance. Eww... Gross. Wait, so... I'm... Straight? Yeah/////
So I told her I was straight and was like, " So? I actually don't like girls..."
But then a couple months later I was like, " NOPE GIRLS ARE SO YUMMMMM I LOVE GIRLLLSSSSS THEY ARE SO COOL TOO LOOK AT!!!" But I kept the label " bi" because I remembered telling my friends I had a crush on a boy because I wanted to fit in. One was Christian and said being LGBTQIA+ was a sin so I tried to fit in.
I remember judging the LGBTQIA+ community because I wanted to get rid of being queer. I didn't wanna a girl liker, WHAT WOULD MY MOM DO IF SHE FOUND OUT?!
But then I found peace in myself...
But then... I started getting those thoughts again: " K.ll yourself, nobody wants a gay person in your family." Or, " Eww, trans people aren't real men/women, and you are a girl, get over it. You ARENT a boy and a girl." Or, " Eww, liking girls is a sin... Gross, you should be ashamed of yourself. What would God think of you, you pervert?" But I would fight back like: " No, no, no..." Or, " I'm not a girl, and trans people are valid!!!" And, " I'm not a pervert, my teacher also likes women!!!"
I don't know why those thoughts would pop up. And once I think I was crying, randomly, and drawing and being weird and letting it out when the thought of romance popped up in my head.
" EWW, SOMEONE HELP ME" But I was DISGUSTED, REPULSED, AND WANTED OUT :|
I only knew the " basic" terms like, gay, lesbian. bi, intersex, aromantic, asexual, trans
And I did find the thought of romance comforting sometimes, so I rejected the aro and ace community, finding that I wasn't going to claim I was aroace spec. But little did I know that there are WAAAAAYYY more labels on the aroace spec.
I never paid much attention to my gender and was comfortable with she/her
I do regret having those DISGUTING thoughts. I mean, hey, lesson learned. If you have internalized homophobia, you just so might happen to realize you are queer.

I don't know why I was crying. I just sometimes wish,,, Wish/// Being queer was more accepting... By the public and family and friends.
Do I still have thoughts about homophobia? Yes, in fact I do. But it's not about others, just me.
Like: " OMG, YOU ARE NOT A DUDE, YOU HAVE BOOBS AND GIRL PARTS, HAHA" And I don't stop them. Or, " Why do you even feel repulsed by romance a lot? Like, grow up, faker." or, " attention seeking"

Take care of yourself pls
- Gigi

 

[dark_tranquility]

Spoiler: Warning: Internalized homophobia, coo-coo, words

I broke down crying today. I dont know why... But I just did. It was like someone d.ed in front of me. I don't know. I... I just feel stressed and I crave a hug and a deep talk with someone. But I can't get that in real life...
My mom might think I'm crazy, my sister won't take me seriously and my brother is too little. I have no friends who I would talk to about this stress. Online, I feel like a burden if I spill my thoughts to someone. So I'll just spill to no one in particular:
I'm tired. Scared, exhausted, pressured, tyring-to-be-something-im-not, hated and... I don't know...
I can't stop the tears and I even think I'm a bit crazy. I just wish I couldnt feel anything, yeah, that'd be a pretty cool power. I wish I was cis + het and Christian and sweet like I " was-before"
But when we moved here, I started to get so angry and I couldn't control myself and I wished I would d.e and I wished my mom had aborted me. It would have been better. Then I met this girl, let's call her Emma. Emma's friend, let's call him, 1, was following us around the playground as me and Emma were getting to know each other. 1 blurted, " You know Emma is lesbian right?" Then he snickered as Emma shot him a stink eye and quickly muttered, " No, I'm not..."
I tilted my head, remembering that my mom had said lesbian's wanted to be men and if I hung out with one, I'd turn lesbian.
So I smiled and gave 1 a look that said, " Don't put words in you sibling's mouth, okay honey?" And I said, " Hey, don't say that." In a sweety tone and I turned my attention to the playground.
But then after me and Emma got to know each other, Emma told me she was a lesbian. I think she thought I was bisexual or something because I then realized I had found some girls pleasing to look at. And I had a BIT of a tiny " crush" on Emma but didn't wanna admit it.
So I stuck with " bi"
Then she gave me her number ( I asked my mom to contact Emma on her phone ) and started sending me gifs of these gay characters and I was pissed.
" Is Emma telling me she likes me? Eww..." I rolled my eyes, thinking of romance. Eww... Gross. Wait, so... I'm... Straight? Yeah/////
So I told her I was straight and was like, " So? I actually don't like girls..."
But then a couple months later I was like, " NOPE GIRLS ARE SO YUMMMMM I LOVE GIRLLLSSSSS THEY ARE SO COOL TOO LOOK AT!!!" But I kept the label " bi" because I remembered telling my friends I had a crush on a boy because I wanted to fit in. One was Christian and said being LGBTQIA+ was a sin so I tried to fit in.
I remember judging the LGBTQIA+ community because I wanted to get rid of being queer. I didn't wanna a girl liker, WHAT WOULD MY MOM DO IF SHE FOUND OUT?!
But then I found peace in myself...
But then... I started getting those thoughts again: " K.ll yourself, nobody wants a gay person in your family." Or, " Eww, trans people aren't real men/women, and you are a girl, get over it. You ARENT a boy and a girl." Or, " Eww, liking girls is a sin... Gross, you should be ashamed of yourself. What would God think of you, you pervert?" But I would fight back like: " No, no, no..." Or, " I'm not a girl, and trans people are valid!!!" And, " I'm not a pervert, my teacher also likes women!!!"
I don't know why those thoughts would pop up. And once I think I was crying, randomly, and drawing and being weird and letting it out when the thought of romance popped up in my head.
" EWW, SOMEONE HELP ME" But I was DISGUSTED, REPULSED, AND WANTED OUT :|
I only knew the " basic" terms like, gay, lesbian. bi, intersex, aromantic, asexual, trans
And I did find the thought of romance comforting sometimes, so I rejected the aro and ace community, finding that I wasn't going to claim I was aroace spec. But little did I know that there are WAAAAAYYY more labels on the aroace spec.
I never paid much attention to my gender and was comfortable with she/her
I do regret having those DISGUTING thoughts. I mean, hey, lesson learned. If you have internalized homophobia, you just so might happen to realize you are queer.

I don't know why I was crying. I just sometimes wish,,, Wish/// Being queer was more accepting... By the public and family and friends.
Do I still have thoughts about homophobia? Yes, in fact I do. But it's not about others, just me.
Like: " OMG, YOU ARE NOT A DUDE, YOU HAVE BOOBS AND GIRL PARTS, HAHA" And I don't stop them. Or, " Why do you even feel repulsed by romance a lot? Like, grow up, faker." or, " attention seeking"

Take care of yourself pls
- Gigi

I am so sorry you had that experience
If you ever want to vent I am here for you

 

[sooya_]

I am so sorry you had that experience
If you ever want to vent I am here for you

thanks so much

 

[dark_tranquility]

the heat is affecting my mentality all over

 

[sooya_]

doing terrible

 

[dark_tranquility]

doing terrible

oh no

I am the same

 

[sooya_]

oh no

I am the same

ah, I guess it's going around :(

 

[Solarsdeluluwife]

Honestly everything this month has been affecting my mental health to, just remember when its hard right now it’ll start getting better, and what hurts you right now it just makes you learn how to deal with it and it makes you stronger.