I don’t want to spill all my thoughts and inner workings… I don’t feel comfortable going into my soul and unpacking and I want to spare the details. But at the same time, idk I’m just so low right now. I am not sure what there is to look forward to and where my sense of purpose is. It’s a lot of disappointment and self loathing :/
anytime my mom asks me why i dont say ily back to her, i just stay silent bc ik if i tell her why, she would get upset. Like if you were me, wouldnt you find it hard to say ily to someone who made you insecure of your body when you were in second grade, getting called pregnant by your own mother. She even asked my dad right in front of me if i looked fat, she always points out my stomach and how it looks. It always gets on my nerves and makes me so insecure, but she never understands.
i am so close to just starving myself atp
its the only way bc i cant do anything else
food is fxks im living in hell
nobody gets it when i talk abt my food problems this isnt normal its not a simple switch but they all act like it is. i cant blame them bc youre not in my head and the way i react around food. like you cant get it if you dont have this i think.
this is uncontrollable
i cant think
i cant do anything
i cant FUNCTION
but its so overly excessive
and look at me
fckn disgusting
GROSS
i never want to eat again.
and people call me small?????
they dont get it
this isnt me
im not suppose to look like this
this is NOT how i look
the more i think about it the more depressed im getting
its like my own thoughts and opinions will never matter, i will always be spoken over
i literally feel like an NPC
whats the point if people are just gonna say stuff for me in my place without even an ounce of consulting me
am i even my own person?
do i have my own feelings?
do i even really exist?
did people just make me up?
how am I any less unhappy than you are? I never expected such a bitter exchange from you. it's silly to envy someone like me, I have no hope in anything. I try to numb out every thought and feeling by focusing on my outer world. that's why I seem to maintain everything well. and I'm used to it. I wish I had the same desperation to find something, but the truth is I don't want to hope anymore only to keep failing. it makes me feel pathetic. why be envious of such an empty person when you're so vibrant and full of life? are we in envy and idealizing each other because we have what the other wants? do you really want to experience what it is to think one day after you've watched everyone go on with their lives and don't include you because they have finally given up on you, you will be left behind? do you want to be aware and analyze every flaw about yourself the way I do? do you want to know how hard it is to feel the way I do? you don't know, yet say I lack a reason. my mind is the reason.
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