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TW/CW Body Image Issues and Food/Mentions of EDs
So I've struggled with my body for my entire life.
Been bullied by family and classmates, and friends even for my eating habits.
My size and more-I never really was overweight despite this.
I was actually oftentimes underweight.
But I had a very messed-up relationship with my body.
And because so many people would comment on my figure I had a very distorted view of my body.
To the point of sucking in my gut almost the entire day. I legit did this through most of my life.
It started in Middle School (In MS people made fun of me for looking anorexic)
and continued until college too.
I just hated the way I looked and I actually did get overweight at some point in High school.
(I won't say my weight at that time as it can be misleading).
But in my Junior/Senior year of High School, I was fed up.
I got told by my doctor that I needed to lose weight and my mom at this time and a little bit before was also on her own journey.
So I basically joined her. I was eating better. Avoiding fast food, sodas, and also trying to avoid corn and soy.
I was just drinking water and some tea.
I managed to lose up to 30 pounds.
Then at some point, I lost too much weight and my mother was worried.
I wasn't skin and bones by any means but I looked too frail in her opinion and to top it off
around this time I started to have a lot of stomach problems and we both were worried something was wrong.
I had to go get some testing done, some bloodwork done, and even be put under for some procedures.
When it came down to it I was revealed to have an Autoimmune disease called Celiac Disease.
Essentially I can't eat anything with gluten in it. If I do my body will basically attack my intestines.
If I don't monitor what I'm eating thoroughly and carefully I can wind up with a GI tract that is damaged
to the point of me not absorbing nutrients and possibly winding up with a bunch more diseases as a result of it.
The process to start eating gluten-free was a rough one for me.
I gained some weight back because my body was becoming healthier again.
I was not overweight or underweight-I was a healthy weight but because I knew I had gained weight.
My brain was in panic mode and I was super depressed for the longest time.
I didn't like that I had gained weight. I wanted to lose it.
I didn't feel confident in my body.
And I was mad that this disease and taking care of it made me gain back weight.
I was so upset.
I would skip meals sometimes just because I would get so nervous asking the school
about gluten-free options. I felt embarrassed and like a burden.
Making things ACTUALLY gluten-free is a pain in the ass and I didn't want to have people do that
just for me.
I wound up getting off my school's meal plan so I could just take meals from home and eat them in my dorm room.
Yes, I would legit go home every weekend just so I could get meals made
that I could bring back to my dorm and eat in my room. Just to avoid asking for gluten-free shit.
I still have a hard time asking at restaurants if I can have a gluten-free menu-simply because not every place has them.
It's embarrassing to walk into a place and ask if they have gluten-free options and for them to say no.
I don't know how to describe it but I felt really limited and like I was starting from square one with my weight loss.
I mean I basically was-I had to figure out a new diet that was good for me.
I had to figure out how I wanted to work out again.
It was like restarting and it was hard to get the momentum I so craved.
I wanted immediate results. But over the last few weeks, I've gotten better with my eating.
I have a workout app that I use almost every day to get my activity in-and I'm already beginning to lose weight again.
I don't know why I wanted to write out this post.
I just felt really good about my body today and wanted to share this.
Maybe it'll encourage others who are struggling-I don't know.
But regardless, I had a very skewed view of my body my ENTIRE life.
And I am just now starting to see what it really looks like and I'm happy.
I hope ya'll know you are gorgeous and stunning and that you are KILLING it!!!
So I've struggled with my body for my entire life.
Been bullied by family and classmates, and friends even for my eating habits.
My size and more-I never really was overweight despite this.
I was actually oftentimes underweight.
But I had a very messed-up relationship with my body.
And because so many people would comment on my figure I had a very distorted view of my body.
To the point of sucking in my gut almost the entire day. I legit did this through most of my life.
It started in Middle School (In MS people made fun of me for looking anorexic)
and continued until college too.
I just hated the way I looked and I actually did get overweight at some point in High school.
(I won't say my weight at that time as it can be misleading).
But in my Junior/Senior year of High School, I was fed up.
I got told by my doctor that I needed to lose weight and my mom at this time and a little bit before was also on her own journey.
So I basically joined her. I was eating better. Avoiding fast food, sodas, and also trying to avoid corn and soy.
I was just drinking water and some tea.
I managed to lose up to 30 pounds.
Then at some point, I lost too much weight and my mother was worried.
I wasn't skin and bones by any means but I looked too frail in her opinion and to top it off
around this time I started to have a lot of stomach problems and we both were worried something was wrong.
I had to go get some testing done, some bloodwork done, and even be put under for some procedures.
When it came down to it I was revealed to have an Autoimmune disease called Celiac Disease.
Essentially I can't eat anything with gluten in it. If I do my body will basically attack my intestines.
If I don't monitor what I'm eating thoroughly and carefully I can wind up with a GI tract that is damaged
to the point of me not absorbing nutrients and possibly winding up with a bunch more diseases as a result of it.
The process to start eating gluten-free was a rough one for me.
I gained some weight back because my body was becoming healthier again.
I was not overweight or underweight-I was a healthy weight but because I knew I had gained weight.
My brain was in panic mode and I was super depressed for the longest time.
I didn't like that I had gained weight. I wanted to lose it.
I didn't feel confident in my body.
And I was mad that this disease and taking care of it made me gain back weight.
I was so upset.
I would skip meals sometimes just because I would get so nervous asking the school
about gluten-free options. I felt embarrassed and like a burden.
Making things ACTUALLY gluten-free is a pain in the ass and I didn't want to have people do that
just for me.
I wound up getting off my school's meal plan so I could just take meals from home and eat them in my dorm room.
Yes, I would legit go home every weekend just so I could get meals made
that I could bring back to my dorm and eat in my room. Just to avoid asking for gluten-free shit.
I still have a hard time asking at restaurants if I can have a gluten-free menu-simply because not every place has them.
It's embarrassing to walk into a place and ask if they have gluten-free options and for them to say no.
I don't know how to describe it but I felt really limited and like I was starting from square one with my weight loss.
I mean I basically was-I had to figure out a new diet that was good for me.
I had to figure out how I wanted to work out again.
It was like restarting and it was hard to get the momentum I so craved.
I wanted immediate results. But over the last few weeks, I've gotten better with my eating.
I have a workout app that I use almost every day to get my activity in-and I'm already beginning to lose weight again.
I don't know why I wanted to write out this post.
I just felt really good about my body today and wanted to share this.
Maybe it'll encourage others who are struggling-I don't know.
But regardless, I had a very skewed view of my body my ENTIRE life.
And I am just now starting to see what it really looks like and I'm happy.
I hope ya'll know you are gorgeous and stunning and that you are KILLING it!!!
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