Being the smart kid in school is the worst thing that has ever happened to me [Story of my life] (1 Viewer)

[maruberry]

WARNING: THIS IS A LOOK INTO MY LIFE... I don't know why I am sharing it, maybe I just needed to. It's probably not anything like you expected.







I mean I'm still in school. (specifically in the last grade trying to finish it)
BUT...

I've always been smart.
It's as simple as that
I learnt to read before most other kids did
I learned maths sooner and quicker than others did
I read more complicated books before the others did
I won competitions etc etc

I was and still am ig... smart
And it fucked me over a LOT. in more ways that one....

For one... I was bullied.
it was the worst elementary school and then I think my classmates kinda grew up the end of middle school.
It's not just that I was smarter than the others. I was also younger. I went to school a full year younger than most kids.
I was also from the countryside and used to playing with boys.
I wasn't used to playing with other kids.
So I got bullied.
And this is the beginning of me struggling to make friends.
Like I still had friends, from music school, from boxing, just ppl I knew.
But ever since then I have struggled to fit in with larger groups of ppl or to insert myself into friendly conversations. (strangely enough, I've no problems if it isn't just a friendly conversation. If it is like a school assignment or just a stranger, I have no problems talking or striking up a conversation)

The other side of the problem is... I never had to study. EVER.
Not for tests, not for homework, not for anything.
Homework was most of the time simple enough to be done in mere minutes or before the lesson.
Tests I got the top grade without even trying.
I even have a good memory, so often times if I read the textbook parts etc once or twice... I remember it well enough to do good on the test.
I never had... to sit my ass down and study.
ever
From 1st grade to 9th grade I never had to... study.

Even classes were boring. In Maths I understood the topic in the first 15 minutes of the class and then had to sit there while everybody else tried to also understand it.
Most lessons had similar problems.
I was bored.

And then I started skipping classes, bcs well... the classes were boring and I could learn everything fast on my own.
And at first it was alright. I got away with it for years. Since from like 7th grade to 10th grade, I had no problems even while skipping class.
Sure sometimes I had to do some tests later but that was no problem.

The real problems started in 11th grade.
Most of you don't know it, but I was actually kicked out of my old school the end of the 11th grade.
See I was skipping too many classes.
And with that I was missing tests.
And then I had to redo basically ALL the tests.
WHich I then promptly forgot about.

Not to mention since I hadn't been to class basically at all, I REALLY didn't know the topics. Before I had been in class enough to grasp the topic and what is being talked about, but I was now skipping so much I didn't even really know what the topic was!

So that meant I had to study on my own.
Only I had no idea how to study
I had no motivation to plonk myself down and open a book

SO some tests I failed
Other tests I forgot about
And the very rare ones I found enough motivation to either go to class for or to study for it.

So by the end of the year... I had barely turned up, my grades were pretty shit and so I was kicked out.

But why did everything go to shit in 11th grade.
That is simple.
I had no friends
Nobody
The school I went to was a boarding school and I had NO friends. NONE
The year before I had gotten along with my roommate, so things were fine, but she moved into another dorm to be with ppl she was better friends with.
And the new dormmates I had.... I hated them all.
And I've never been the best at making or keeping friends so I had no other friends in the school either.
That meant I was spending 5 days a week talking to nobody.
I was on my computer day and night with no motivation to do anything else.
I'm pretty sure there were some weeks where I didn't talk at all outside of class.

So after I was kicked out, I went to an "adults" school (I dunno what y'alls country calls it tho) which has less days of work, but longer days.
So now I'm doing my best to finish school there.
I still have barely any study habits (it's getting better though)
I'm anxious as shit, bcs this coronavirus thing means I have had to do things at home which I have fallen behind on and is the reason I've been staying up at night late these days... I just can't sleep bcs when I try I get my mind screaming at me what a failure I am for not even bothering to finish one measly little worksheet.

And I still have no irl friends.

 

[Mayday]

I relate to this so much, it's ack.

Except, I realized my main issue was lack of confidence, so I really just started living life as I wanted it to rather than trying to meet the expectations of people that don't matter.

 

[lexus]

Can't relate because I'm not smart

 

[Mayday]

Can't relate because I'm not smart

That's the thing though- you don't need to be. Academic intelligence is not the only intelligence, except that is the agenda that the education system pushes. If it wasn't for colleges, academic excellence wouldn't even have that much impact. Not to say it isn't important, because it is.

 

[maruberry]

so I really just started living life as I wanted it to rather than trying to meet the expectations of people that don't matter.

I kinda reached that point in about 7th grade.
That was when I stopped trying to get ppl to like me. I also dyed my hair red and had it cut short.

but it hasn't really helped my social skills any.
And it doesn't help that I don't share any interests with most ppl I meet.
Or sadly even if I do, I have ended up just straight up disliking them as people.

 

[Mayday]

I kinda reached that point in about 7th grade.
That was when I stopped trying to get ppl to like me. I also dyed my hair red and had it cut short.

but it hasn't really helped my social skills any.
And it doesn't help that I don't share any interests with most ppl I meet.
Or sadly even if I do, I have ended up just straight up disliking them as people.

I reached that point only recently, and it helps a lot. I still try. But I try for MYSELF, not for Tiffany in the classroom next door. Not for my parents. I know what I'm capable of, and I know what kind of life I need to live. I'm introverted, but the more confident you get, the better your social skills get. I'm still very awkward, though.

Confidence really is key. It sounds stupid and unrealistic, but even faking confidence will help a lot. Faking confidence will lead to confidence as well.

 

[Ahsoka]

I had similar experiences earlier in school, mostly middle school. I was bullied so much that I got really bad social anxiety and now I still don't become friends with people unless we're forced to interact. I had to learn how to study in 11th grade because I went to a really difficult high school and if I didn't do well I would be kicked out. I still didn't do the greatest and always thought I was the dumbest and even now I struggle with school and depression. I wish I had some advice but I don't really. I hope it'll get better, but I know it'll take a long time before that can happen for real.

 

[Suzy]

It's sad that I can mostly relate to this.

Spoiler: Pretty long

My parents divorced when I was five years old so that's a year before I started school. As a result, we (my mum and my siblings) kept moving around. I had never gone to a primary school for more than a year and I had even been to some of the schools for as little as one term. I started school when I was 6 and I was always very shy so I never spoke to anyone at school. So that made me an easy target for other students.
This happened with every school I went with until I finally got into 4th grade and being smart at that certain school made you a cool kid. So I was lucky and I even made a friend but then the process repeated and I was forced to move schools again. I stopped getting bullied after the third grade but that did not change the fact that I was shy and very uncomfortable around other people. It was at a point where girls at school tried to involve me and even though I wanted to be involved as well, I still refused.
Surprisingly in 8th grade, I ended up making a friend (who basically forced me to be her friend) but then in tenth grade I moved again and lost contact with the longest friend I ever had (2 years). And then after 10th grade, my social anxiety worsened and I was in the worst absolute mindset I could possibly be in. I ended up moving in 11th grade again but that time it was my choice. We weren't moving houses anymore so if I wanted, I could have stayed at my year 10 high school, but the school I went to was a religious school that lacked in the education department. So I chose to move to another school where the education was much better.
So I ended up moving schools again in the 11th grade. It was one of the best decisions I made in my life though because it was where I felt like I belonged intelligence wise. So I wasn't the different kid who was smarter than everyone else anymore. But the problem with that school was that everyone already had their friend groups because it was the final years of high school so I was still alone. But honestly, it was mostly my fault. I isolated myself too much, to the point where even in group projects teachers didn't force me to work in a group. So I was always sitting at the front of the class, alone. In the end, I ended up befriending my teachers so I guess being able to talk to them after class kept me sane.

I guess as far as bullying went, I was only bullied in primary school for the first twoish years and then it stopped. But I never actually had the chance to make a friend because we moved around so much. I ended up making a few friends along the way but then ended up losing contact with all of them. I'm just not good at keeping people in my life.

And now, I still have no real friend outside of my family. I'm in my final year of uni and I literally just now made an acquaintance and I'll probably end up losing contact with her too after the semester ends.

 

[maruberry]

But honestly, it was mostly my fault. I isolated myself too much, to the point where even in group projects teachers didn't force me to work in a group. So I was always sitting at the front of the class, alone

This is exactly me, at one point I was just straight up asking to do every group assignment alone if possible.

For me there was also a time where girls in my class were trying to involve me and invite me out... but sadly I live outside the town, so most of the time it simply was not possible for me to hang out with them, so it never evolved anywhere further.

 

[Jichuus]

I’m sorry to hear that. I had the opposite experience - you had to be smart to stand out and if you were “mediocre” you were done for. At my friend’s school, the stress was so much they had a bloodbath to enroll in honors course and you were seen as a failure for going to a local school afterwards. To the point, siblings shamed each other and friends constantly compared to each other too.

I still feel trauma from it at times. Sometimes I try to laugh it off with my friend - never works - but we agree that our schools should have done better addressing mental health and there’s a generation of people with anxiety and stress.

But I’m glad this forum is a space where these things can be shared.

 

[Ringwanderung]

I reached that point only recently, and it helps a lot. I still try. But I try for MYSELF, not for Tiffany in the classroom next door. Not for my parents. I know what I'm capable of, and I know what kind of life I need to live. I'm introverted, but the more confident you get, the better your social skills get. I'm still very awkward, though.

Confidence really is key. It sounds stupid and unrealistic, but even faking confidence will help a lot. Faking confidence will lead to confidence as well.

i second this

i’ll get a bit philosophical here, but i think life is about finding out what sort of person you are, and living life as best as you can with what you’ve got

no matter what kind of awful environment and negative experiences you face, it’s all becoming a part of you; it’s what you think, reflect, and decide to do from there

 

[Mayday]

 

[Ringwanderung]

🙂 maru, i was never as smart as you, and i’ve suffered extreme social anxiety throughout school, especially middle school, i was the most awkward person you’d ever have seen

i’ve once ate my lunch in the toilet because i was paranoid and embarrassed about the sandwiches my mom made me lol

luckily i never got bullied, i was in a great environment, i did get teased a lot though; but it was all in good nature

honestly, i hated people too, because i was terrible at socializing- but i was always curious about people, i never stopped researching socializing and it definitely paid off :wonugl: i can tell you that

 

[Ringwanderung]

also friends are about compatibility as well! maybe you’ve not met enough people that you click with 😩

 

[lostinwvnderland]

I always had good grade in school, but wouldn't consider myself smart because math and science a bit difficult subject for me. I did have trouble making friends during like the first couple year in elementary school. I always attended private school since forever. I did have friends from outside of school because I took dance. At school it was hard for me to just say hi because I was so shy. I didn't see the need to have friends because I had my twin brother and I have my step-sister who happen to be my age also, so I just play with them all the time. I still played with the kids in my class when they invited me to play during recess though. It wasn't until I got into middle school where I became more outgoing and would talk a lot. I still get nervous having to start a conversation, but when I do I can go on and on.

 

[yeji]

thank you for sharing this maru. it‘s really such a heartfelt and honest thread.

 

[Tickita]

Can relate, except I wasn't younger and I didn't have friends outside of school.

 

[SnowWhite]

I relate to a small level. I always had my friends and was never bullied, thanks god. Also I don't think I am smart. But I had really good grades when I was a kid. High school became my turning point and I skipped classes. In my senior year i only stayed home bc of depression and failed some exams... The teacher talked trash about me in front of my classmates in my absence. It took me 2 freaking years to recover and tbh I a still filled with regrets when I remember my high school senior year. If I studied well I would be studying engineering now but... sigh...