pretending im sending this to her, but i know i wont.
i never knew if we would speak again, but here we are. nothing you do or say could make me forgive you, i know i’ve wronged you as well, but the things ive said are nowhere near you. ive always wondered what i did, to make you leave again. and ive always wondered why i wanted you to stay. there was nothing good about you. but it was you, you did something to my soul, you broke me beyond repair. i am not even able to speak on your existence without breaking down, what did you do to me? i can’t even think about you without wanting to die, i wanted to die when i spoke to you, when i thought of you, when i saw someone with even the same name as you. but i kept going back, day after day i waited for your message but when i read the response i was disappointed. i always thought that someday, finally, you would change. but you haven’t, and you never will. but i cant process that. and i cant process the trauma you caused, either. everytime i try to heal, or even think about it, i think about what you went through and why you are the way you are. but i still fully dont know, i dont know why you refuse treatment, i dont know why you dont want to get better, i dont know why you purposefully worsen your condition. you isolated yourself from everyone, severed your nerves just to feel something, and its my fault? where did i go wrong with you? why did i even start with you? from the moment i met you i knew you were fucking insane, but i didnt know it would get so bad to the point you traumatized me? you encouraged me to attempt suicide, and i did. you knew i was in a bad mental state, and you encouraged me. you wanted me to be sick with you, because you were lonely and pathetic, and that i did. because at the time it felt like you were the only person who cared, you were the only person who stayed. but you didnt care about me, you cared about controlling me, because there was no one else in your life. you had no one to talk to, no one to see, no one to hear. you were alone in this world and i was the only one there for you, during your breakdowns and outbursts, i stayed. because i felt bad, i was emotionally attached to you, i felt so bad for you. the amount of pity and guilt i felt everyday was not healthy for a 14 year old, and you were 29. i dont want to give you anymore attention, but i cant help it. you never gave me attention, and you knew i lacked it. you knew what i was going through inside my head, and around me. but you chose to neglect that and abuse the fact i was sick and you knew you were making me sicker, and you liked it. there was no point in fighting with you after so many months, i accepted it. i accepted the insults, cruel expressions. but thats just who you are right? you dont care to be helped? you dont care if you die? well i cared. for too long. but youre already dead, in your soul, in your spirit. dead woman walking, you you you. i never thought i would meet someone as
bad as you, i wish i didnt. i wish i kill myself the first time you told me to, so i wouldnt have to try and cope now, with what you did then. sick woman, psychotic even. i wish you the worst.
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