Official ✯ ✵ Mental Health Support✯ ✵ (5 Viewers)

[Panda]

Spoiler

I'm on my last straw emotionally, I swear I'm about to explode and just give up

 

[lunaria]

i hope posting this is okay ...

i've been struggling with my gender identity and think i might be trans. the dysphoria started again when i recovered repressed memories from my childhood and remembered feeling extremely uncomfortable in my body. i guess i always had a thought in the back of my mind that something wasn't right, but i had so much on my plate that i didn't want to dive into it as it felt like another daunting thing. acknowledging it means potentially changing so many things in my life that i thought were secure. potentially my name, my pronouns, my body ... it's really scary, to be honest. and i feel so guilty because my boyfriend met me as a girl, and he didn't ask to have to deal with this difficult time in my life or see me change on the outside if i choose to do so. i would do anything for him, even if it's denying who i am, not that he's really asking me to, but i know he prefers parts of myself that are feminine that i would like to change, and that makes me feel all the guiltier because all i want is to be what he wants me to be. he forgets my pronoun preferences right now and i never bring it up because if he wants to see me as a girl, i'll let him, even if it feels hurtful and makes me dysphoric. i feel like i couldn't transition even if i wanted to, even socially, because i'd be hurting my conservative parents immensely. i feel so stuck sometimes that i feel like i don't belong here. i don't know what to do to be myself anymore.

 

[Jimimis]

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my mom found my trash and accused me of purging. I lied and said it was leftover paper maiche. I think it was kinda believable. but then I fainted in front of her. Aren’t I just iconic, god I hate myself

 

[lunaria]

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does anyone else deal with selective mutism ?? i'm getting quite frustrated because at the moment my boyfriend and i are long distance, and it happens often around him (not due to him but do to other trauma that can trigger it), and we can't always video chat so i can't tell him what's wrong or gesture to explain things either. all i can do is make non-verbal noises or try and send emojis to communicate and i have no clue how to fix this. it's really embarrassing, too i feel like this is my fault somehow

 

[lunaria]

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i'm kind of terrified and i know it's likely an overreation, but as i was leaving my apartment this evening to take my dog out, i saw a man leaning directly across from me in the doorway of the laundry room, taking up the entire space so no one could enter. i was wearing shorts, and he stared at my lower half quite openly while i awkwardly fumbled to slip my shoes on and hurried with my dog outside. something felt off about him, so i stayed outside with my dog for around 15 minutes, hoping that when i returned he'd be gone. i even took the precaution of going around to the opposite side of the building to buy myself some more time for him to have possibly left. there's glass on the side of the door in the lobby, so i peeked and saw him wandering around the hallway, ducked back behind the door, and when i looked again he was gone. so i started back to my apartment. as i near my door, suddenly he pops out of the laundry room and steps in front of me, says "hey, you" and i make a frightened noise and freeze in surprise, looking at my feet instead of him. which i would think would indicate that i'm uncomfortable and would like to be left alone, but people don't know what you're truly thinking unless you tell them, so it is partially my fault. i was afraid to ask him not to talk to me, and i felt too apprehensive to speak to a stranger. when he doesn't move, i finally glance up, he smiles at me in a way that he probably thinks looks kind, but all it did was unnerve me. then he said, "i'm chris. who are you ?" i have severe social anxiety, i'm on the smaller side, and have a very soft and high pitched voice, so i usually seem vulnurable and people mistake me for a child. i've learned i'm an easy person to take advantage of, so these kind of interactions make me extremely nervous. i don't speak for a minute and he keeps staring at me, and i end up stuttering a "nice to meet you" and darting around him before slamming my door and locking it. it's been almost an hour since then, and i keep looking out the peephole and he's there still. i probably shouldn't be afraid, but i've been sitting in my room staring at my door in fear and i can't calm down. he's probably a nice person ... i suppose men scare me due to past trauma and i'm already on edge these days. wish i wasn't so easily frightened and i wish i wasn't alone right now.

 

[Tickita]

Spoiler

i'm kind of terrified and i know it's likely an overreation, but as i was leaving my apartment this evening to take my dog out, i saw a man leaning directly across from me in the doorway of the laundry room, taking up the entire space so no one could enter. i was wearing shorts, and he stared at my lower half quite openly while i awkwardly fumbled to slip my shoes on and hurried with my dog outside. something felt off about him, so i stayed outside with my dog for around 15 minutes, hoping that when i returned he'd be gone. i even took the precaution of going around to the opposite side of the building to buy myself some more time for him to have possibly left. there's glass on the side of the door in the lobby, so i peeked and saw him wandering around the hallway, ducked back behind the door, and when i looked again he was gone. so i started back to my apartment. as i near my door, suddenly he pops out of the laundry room and steps in front of me, says "hey, you" and i make a frightened noise and freeze in surprise, looking at my feet instead of him. which i would think would indicate that i'm uncomfortable and would like to be left alone, but people don't know what you're truly thinking unless you tell them, so it is partially my fault. i was afraid to ask him not to talk to me, and i felt too apprehensive to speak to a stranger. when he doesn't move, i finally glance up, he smiles at me in a way that he probably thinks looks kind, but all it did was unnerve me. then he said, "i'm chris. who are you ?" i have severe social anxiety, i'm on the smaller side, and have a very soft and high pitched voice, so i usually seem vulnurable and people mistake me for a child. i've learned i'm an easy person to take advantage of, so these kind of interactions make me extremely nervous. i don't speak for a minute and he keeps staring at me, and i end up stuttering a "nice to meet you" and darting around him before slamming my door and locking it. it's been almost an hour since then, and i keep looking out the peephole and he's there still. i probably shouldn't be afraid, but i've been sitting in my room staring at my door in fear and i can't calm down. he's probably a nice person ... i suppose men scare me due to past trauma and i'm already on edge these days. wish i wasn't so easily frightened and i wish i wasn't alone right now.

Spoiler

You have your reasons for reacting like that, and they're valid. Stay safe.
Is there someone you can call so you feel less alone?

 

[lunaria]

Spoiler

You have your reasons for reacting like that, and they're valid. Stay safe.
Is there someone you can call so you feel less alone?

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thank you, it helps to know i'm not acting completely out of my mind. my mom said i was overreacting when i called her and so she hung up, my best friend's boyfriend is having a trying time and needs attention, and my boyfriend is at a game night. i know my boyfriend wouldn't mind if i interrupt him, but he deserves some downtime and to have fun and it's not his job to take care of me constantly or make sure i'm alright. i don't want to bother him or be a burden. so i'm not certain what to do, other than i'm trying the typical coping skills i have to lessen the anxiety. i'm sorry for rambling, i just was freaked out and had no one to talk to and even just getting it all out helps a tad bit. i'm very thankful for this thread and for people like you. thanks for being nice. i'll be alright eventually^^"

 

[dark_tranquility]

Locked up for a month with limited exposure to the outside world.
Well deserved so I could mend.

I am out and proud to be out.

 

[Hoemantic]

Going through too much stress today, I hope work helps me cleanse my mind... :(

 

[dark_tranquility]

Voices lessened, hallucinations more so. Ugh I can never win!

 

[lunaria]

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i think i'm becoming unhealthily reliant on my boyfriend in regards to regulating my mental health. we talk for hours upon hours every day, and i've gotten used to falling asleep with him. i don't mind being by myself in the daytime, but when he's not around at night--which is usually when i experience anxiety, dissociation, fainting spells, recurring nightmares about my SA, and panic attacks--i feel absolutely awful. being alone exacerbates all of my symptoms. i don't know what to do, because he's human and has a life and needs space sometimes. it was bad when i was by myself, but not to this extent. it's extremely disheartening i need to get a grip holy heck-

 

[doll]

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What if my girlfriend doesn't really like me.
what if she only said yes out of pity?
I love her but I dont think she loves me..

 

[lunaria]

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i'm not sure if this thread is exclusively for seeking help or if it's also for posting about positive experiences and recovery as well, so forgive me if this doesn't belong here. ever since i've decided to start my transition (socially, at this stage), my life has done a complete 180. during our last session, my therapist was astounded by my scores and overall attitude and demeanor, saying that this was the happiest she'd ever seen me. she said she's willing to help me find a gender therapist, which i was certain i couldn't do because of how transphobic my mother is, but i've decided to go ahead with it anyway because i need to stop prioritizing others' wellbeing before my own. i need to do this, i can't live any other way now that i have a taste of how life could be. changing my hair, clothes, and name has greatly improved my dysphoria, and i feel so at peace about meeting my long-distance boyfriend for the first time now that i can present as how i feel i truly am. it's amazing how all that fear evaporated so quickly after so few changes. i never thought this was possible, and for once, i'm actually looking forward to and planning my future. i cannot remember a time i've ever been truly happy or confident and not plagued by my own sorrow, but now i can see the sun peeking through the clouds. sorry to ramble, i'm just so, so excited for what's to come and wanted to gush about feeling good, i guess

 

[doll]

Spoiler

i just got really angry out of nowhere.
im still so mad typing this out
my favorite song is annoying me right now
danny's videos make me even angrier

 

[lunaria]

Spoiler: vent

sometimes, i forget why i prefer being alone all the time, and then my friend swears at me for accidentally messing up something (that took me a few seconds to fix) in a game, and i fall apart because i'm too sensitive and remember why i'm better off staying by myself it's not fun to be alone most of the time. of course, i can get very lonely, but at least i'm free from the anxiety and guilt i feel around anyone i get close enough to trust. the cycle is that i get lonely, forget how terrible others may (unintentionally) make me feel, decide to socialize again, f*ck up everything, get my feelings hurt, and then retreat back to being by myself. rinse and repeat. i'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that i'm made for having meaningful relationships with others. i always say and/or do something stupid, and make them upset. i don't know what to do to fix myself anymore. i was feeling so good, too. i'll get over it, i'm not going to let it bother me forever, it's just so incredibly frustrating that this keeps happening and that i can't seem to figure out why and how to end it

 

[Tickita]

Spoiler: vent

sometimes, i forget why i prefer being alone all the time, and then my friend swears at me for accidentally messing up something (that took me a few seconds to fix) in a game, and i fall apart because i'm too sensitive and remember why i'm better off staying by myself it's not fun to be alone most of the time. of course, i can get very lonely, but at least i'm free from the anxiety and guilt i feel around anyone i get close enough to trust. the cycle is that i get lonely, forget how terrible others may (unintentionally) make me feel, decide to socialize again, f*ck up everything, get my feelings hurt, and then retreat back to being by myself. rinse and repeat. i'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that i'm made for having meaningful relationships with others. i always say and/or do something stupid, and make them upset. i don't know what to do to fix myself anymore. i was feeling so good, too. i'll get over it, i'm not going to let it bother me forever, it's just so incredibly frustrating that this keeps happening and that i can't seem to figure out why and how to end it

Spoiler

I totally get the retreating part. And then I beat myself up for saying or doing that thing and that I "should've known better" etc...

Let's take our time is all I can say.

 

[lunaria]

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I totally get the retreating part. And then I beat myself up for saying or doing that thing and that I "should've known better" etc...

Let's take our time is all I can say.

Spoiler

agreed. it's hard to be patient with yourself, but unlearning mental habits such as these isn't easy after (sometimes) a lifetime of use. be gentle with yourself, i'll try and do the same

 

[doll]

Spoiler: vent

i dont want to be the person who always vents
i want to be the person who is always happy and cheery.

i can act happy on the forum. its not hard
watch me, you've seen it before.
the act will continue

 

[lunaria]

Spoiler: replies open

i finally worked up the courage to advocate for myself and request that my boyfriend call me by my chosen name ... and i feel as if i shouldn't. he said he'll come up with his own nickname for me, and that he doesn't want to call me by either edmund, or my nickname, teddy. being called by either of those makes the world of a difference for my dysphoria, and it feels right. i feel kind of disappointed, and i know that it's just a name, but it feels so much more personal and meaningful than that. i'm hurt, if i'm being honest with myself. i thought he'd be okay with it. maybe i should change my name so he'll like it better ... ?? i don't want to be called sashi, or a cutesy nickname like bunny, at least not a pet name all of the time. i wonder if i'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive ?

 

[doll]

Spoiler: replies open

i finally worked up the courage to advocate for myself and request that my boyfriend call me by my chosen name ... and i feel as if i shouldn't. he said he'll come up with his own nickname for me, and that he doesn't want to call me by either edmund, or my nickname, teddy. being called by either of those makes the world of a difference for my dysphoria, and it feels right. i feel kind of disappointed, and i know that it's just a name, but it feels so much more personal and meaningful than that. i'm hurt, if i'm being honest with myself. i thought he'd be okay with it. maybe i should change my name so he'll like it better ... ?? i don't want to be called sashi, or a cutesy nickname like bunny, at least not a pet name all of the time. i wonder if i'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive ?

If he wont call you by your preferred name... that is disrespectful.
You may love him but thats not right...