- Joined
- 23 September 2018
- Messages
- 8,755
- Reactions Received
- 24,297
- Location
- Somewhere Near Bamboo <3
- Website
- www.twitch.tv
- KS Coins
- 12
- Fandom
- Starlight
- Gender
- Female
- Pronouns
- She/Her
- Ship
- Wreck
i'm kind of terrified and i know it's likely an overreation, but as i was leaving my apartment this evening to take my dog out, i saw a man leaning directly across from me in the doorway of the laundry room, taking up the entire space so no one could enter. i was wearing shorts, and he stared at my lower half quite openly while i awkwardly fumbled to slip my shoes on and hurried with my dog outside. something felt off about him, so i stayed outside with my dog for around 15 minutes, hoping that when i returned he'd be gone. i even took the precaution of going around to the opposite side of the building to buy myself some more time for him to have possibly left. there's glass on the side of the door in the lobby, so i peeked and saw him wandering around the hallway, ducked back behind the door, and when i looked again he was gone. so i started back to my apartment. as i near my door, suddenly he pops out of the laundry room and steps in front of me, says "hey, you" and i make a frightened noise and freeze in surprise, looking at my feet instead of him. which i would think would indicate that i'm uncomfortable and would like to be left alone, but people don't know what you're truly thinking unless you tell them, so it is partially my fault. i was afraid to ask him not to talk to me, and i felt too apprehensive to speak to a stranger. when he doesn't move, i finally glance up, he smiles at me in a way that he probably thinks looks kind, but all it did was unnerve me. then he said, "i'm chris. who are you ?" i have severe social anxiety, i'm on the smaller side, and have a very soft and high pitched voice, so i usually seem vulnurable and people mistake me for a child. i've learned i'm an easy person to take advantage of, so these kind of interactions make me extremely nervous. i don't speak for a minute and he keeps staring at me, and i end up stuttering a "nice to meet you" and darting around him before slamming my door and locking it. it's been almost an hour since then, and i keep looking out the peephole and he's there still. i probably shouldn't be afraid, but i've been sitting in my room staring at my door in fear and i can't calm down. he's probably a nice person ... i suppose men scare me due to past trauma and i'm already on edge these days. wish i wasn't so easily frightened and i wish i wasn't alone right now.
You have your reasons for reacting like that, and they're valid. Stay safe.
Is there someone you can call so you feel less alone?
sometimes, i forget why i prefer being alone all the time, and then my friend swears at me for accidentally messing up something (that took me a few seconds to fix) in a game, and i fall apartbecause i'm too sensitiveand remember why i'm better off staying by myself it's not fun to be alone most of the time. of course, i can get very lonely, but at least i'm free from the anxiety and guilt i feel around anyone i get close enough to trust. the cycle is that i get lonely, forget how terrible others may (unintentionally) make me feel, decide to socialize again, f*ck up everything, get my feelings hurt, and then retreat back to being by myself. rinse and repeat. i'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that i'm made for having meaningful relationships with others. i always say and/or do something stupid, and make them upset. i don't know what to do to fix myself anymore. i was feeling so good, too. i'll get over it, i'm not going to let it bother me forever, it's just so incredibly frustrating that this keeps happening and that i can't seem to figure out why and how to end it
I totally get the retreating part. And then I beat myself up for saying or doing that thing and that I "should've known better" etc...
Let's take our time is all I can say.
If he wont call you by your preferred name... that is disrespectful.i finally worked up the courage to advocate for myself and request that my boyfriend call me by my chosen name ... and i feel as if i shouldn't. he said he'll come up with his own nickname for me, and that he doesn't want to call me by either edmund, or my nickname, teddy. being called by either of those makes the world of a difference for my dysphoria, and it feels right. i feel kind of disappointed, and i know that it's just a name, but it feels so much more personal and meaningful than that. i'm hurt, if i'm being honest with myself. i thought he'd be okay with it. maybe i should change my name so he'll like it better ... ?? i don't want to be called sashi, or a cutesy nickname like bunny, at least not a pet name all of the time. i wonder if i'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive ?