I don’t really know how I should start this…
But I want to apologize for putting all this on here, but I need to get all this out before it breaks me forever.
….I’ve never been one to want to worry people about my personal stuff but I can’t let history repeat it’s self, so here I am…I don’t know where to start….
I guess when it all started…
When I was in 7th grade, I had some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
KC & Mel, they both love K-pop, we attended a small school together so everyone knew us.
At school we were known as the three musciters, we were always together, no matter what it was.
KC, was shy, funny, silly, but could have some evil thoughts XD (We had some of the best plots to cause trouble)
Mel, was though, funny, Strong, and could be cold if she was in a bad mood, she always did her best to make sure we were ok.
We were like a mini family, and my favorite part was much, we always had the best memories there. Me and KC would race to our seats with our lunch so either of us could be the first one to ask the other ‘How’s life?’
It was one of mine and KC’s inside jokes and I love it.
We’d always reply with the same thing no matter how many times we asked, ‘Okay.’
Then half way through the school year KC told us that her family had decided to move back to the philipeans.
Me & Mel were devistated, we were doing a part of our family.
It was the week before the last days of school, the day we had to say good bye to KC.
We had our own get together at Panda Express, we had the best time, and I will always treasure the memories we shared.
That day I cried we all were but KC laughed saying our ‘eyes are just sweating’ this caused us all to agree and laugh.
As she walked out the door, for the last time I’d ever see her, all I asked was “How’s life?” And she smiled and replied with, “Okay.” We had one last hug but I couldn’t cry, no I couldn’t I had to be the strong one this time, for Mel.
That’s how it all started, I started to hide everything bad going on in my life and took everyone else’s bad and made it better.
I didn’t mind, cause it didn’t bother me, I mean I have so much, what else could I ask for?
I countied to hide myself from everyone and would often lock myself away in my room.
I didn’t notice, no, not until my parents told me I wasn’t able to see Mel again.
They told me I was messed up ever scene summer and me and Mel hung out.
I denied it and cried myself to sleep that night out of frustration and fear.
So many things worried me.
I was afraid that if I couldn’t help Mel then who would?
Mel didn’t grow up in a good home, and after her mother passed she was adopted by a very strict family who didn’t like K-pop or anime.
She’d often tell me how she was grateful for them, but the only thing she wanted was to be free to do the things she loved.
Me being me i told her that any time she was with me she could be anything she wanted.
She was so happy…and it made me happy.
So when I was denied that happiness it finally broke me.
I couldn’t stop the walls inside me from breaking, but even after my break down, I still counties to hide away and pretended I was fine.
I decided I’d change and I would have set up conversations with my parents, so they would believe everything was ok.
They believe me.
To them everything was great, but then reality found t’s way back, and it hit them like hell fire.
Mel was put in a place were you go for depression, and suicide thoughts.
I blamed myself for it and I knew it was my fault cause I couldn’t talk to her.
After a while my parents allowed phone calls every night, that it could work out.
Cause some time I’d be at my moms house and other times I’d be at my dads house.
We confined my mom and her adopted mom to let us met up.
She got her hair cut, it was the first thing I noticed, cause she almost looked like KC.
I got her a gift and I wasn’t expecting anything in return but she gave me a gift…
I love it.
There were some small things but my favorite was a blanket with the same pattern as Bts V’s shirt in Idol (The one with the hearts)
I was so happy, and I cherish it to this day.
I haven’t seen her scene though..and that was almost two years ago…
However her mom had asked my mom if I could hang out, and when I excitedly asked why my mom shrugged and denynied me attending so I didn’t get to see her.
And a few days later I found out that they wanted me to hangout cause KC had come to visit.
I was so over my parents at this point, there were always restrictions, no this, no that, I was done with it all.
I finally went off on them.
That was around half away though my 8th grade year.
I was having trouble at school, and home, I had no were to escape to except through music.
So everyday I would go home and lock myself away playing my music and just allowed myself to be me.
How ever my grades started failing and they took everything, including my one escape route.
It was about the end of the year now and I had another break down be I felt with it like all the others, Cry, hide, put the walls back up and smile, like it never happened.
I’m in 9th grade now, and I haven’t had breakdown until now.
A few days ago I found out that a friend of my parents had to go to the hospital cause he ruptured his side.
Then I found out that My great granny has the flu, and she’s so old, and has altimers.
Well apparently the same day the hospital sent her home she slipped and fell.
Making this the 2nd time she had surge for her hip.
I can’y lose her guys, she so much to me.
When my parents went through the dvorice, all my grandparents raised me.
I can’t lose her, I’m so scared that everything gonna repeat it’s self.
And then at school there is so much trouble, and drama, I try my best to ignore it.
But my friend is a big apart of it all and it’s just been really bad, and toxic.
I’m afraid though, I don’t want be friends with so one like this but I can’t just ignore her and not be her friend cause then my other friends will be mad at me, and I can’t handle it.
My brother almost got sent to a boys ranch, and if he messes up one more time, that’s where he’s going and I probably won’t see him again.
I keep fighting off all the bad thoughts, all the negitive ideas, and I try to focus on the good ones, but my parents keep pressuring me into things and I feel like I’m slowly fading away….
I feel so locked up, I want to break free, that’s all I want is too runaway from all the stress, hurt, and pain. I can’t though, I have people to take care for and I’ll take care of them until I break.
I’m so sorry for putting this out here, but I’m trying my best not to lets things repeat, and if this helps then so be it, cause I want to be free by the end of this all.
There’s so much I want to do, but I have survive first….only then can I make it….right?
![WHOS [minsquishy]](/data/medal/1034_1578255280m.jpg)
+ I'd like to share my passion with someone
