I'll never understand romantic love. As children, it's all about the "power of friendship." Everything is about "the power of friendship." And as we get older, we start to let our bodies guide us, and we're encouraged for it, which leads to love, complication, fights, ugliness, lost friends, and yeah, maybe a lifelong relationship in the end too... Just two people against the world. All of that is encouraged. "Power of friendship" what?
And yeah, I get it. People don't want to "be alone." Well why the hell did we insist on making society come down to just two people then? Why did we build society on that? And no one's going to be truly there for you because that's somehow reserved for lovers and family only. And everyone's busy focused on finding a lover anyway, so they're not going to be there for you and will only see you as "just a friend." Someone who "it's nice to vent to and hang out with, but who, if our roads split, it's fine, they're just here for the ride after all, a lover is for life."
I don't get it. I never ever ever will. It's love with a twist. It's your brain going, "Yeah, they're hot and stable... good mating potential." And you're not actively thinking that second part, but your brain is. Your body is. Even if you don't actively want children, they are. Everything you do in that relationship will be about more than just "love me, I love you." And we throw away or devalue everything else for it.
What kind of life is that? What kind of society is that? I hate this world and I don't want to be here any longer. Why can't life just be a shounen anime where people still believe in the power of friendship? Is that really so bad?
Some people will be closer to you than others. That's fine. But just valuing all of that is gold. And I hate that people are ruled by primordial desires and the fear of being alone or the hate that they're alone right now. That possessiveness of "They're mine! Back off!" Seeing everyone as a potential threat instead of potential friend when we do have a lover... We didn't have to make it that way. We didn't.
And still we cherish the way things are.
I thought reading this book again after all these years, I could confront my feelings and gain closure. But it just makes me feel even more alone, as I did back then.