Official ✯ ✵ Mental Health Support✯ ✵ (6 Viewers)

[kodoku]

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I'm so mentally tired right now. Physically too, but that's because of mental tiredness jdafh. I can't keep trying to keep everyone happy. I put on personas for my family, personas for my friends, i even have a persona (albeit less thick) for my boyfriend. I just can't keep doing this. I recently lost a friendship due to problems on both sides, and I wish I could have done things differently. I kept getting more and more agitated, and when I finally snapped I was rude and I said things I wish I could take back. I hate how the friend and I weren't that close. If it was a close friend, we would've known each other enough to resolve it. But because the person was just a friend, I don't know how to approach them. I don't want to just apologize and not have an apology as well, but I really don't know how to go about it.

And my family keeps trying to talk to me about issues I am not into or trying to be into. They won't let up and I'm getting so stressed out about it. They tell me I should get more interested in the politics of that country, but I just can't. My sister and mother get unhappy when I disagree with them, and so I stay on their side. I don't think I will be able to not talk to them but it's just draining. I also have to take their side for anything or they get mad. I almost came out to my sister, but I'm just too scared because while she won't hate me, she just can't fucking keep a secret.

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My dad has been scarier than usual. I do say he usually pays no mind to anyone, but when he does, it's scary. He just does creepy things without warning. When I visited last, ages ago, I couldn't sleep. I went downstairs around 3 am, and he was just lingering in the bathroom area and followed me downstairs. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was wondering what I was doing, but not in a genuinely curious way. He was just asking like I was a 9 year old sneaking down to sneak a phone or candy.

And it wasn't just him being in the bathroom to use it, as I was awake for a while before going downstairs. The door didn't open, and he hadn't just come out of his room. He was just waiting in the bathroom in the dark, as there were no lights on when I went downstairs. It genuinely makes me uncomfortable as when I was younger and around me teens, he would invade my and my sister's privacy. He would look through my sketchbooks and probably would've done the same to our diaries if we didn't hide them well. He would get so angry if I confronted him on it. He would take pictures of me without my permission, probably to show off to his friends what a creative, clever, and perfect child he has, and he would get mad if I said just ask me next time. Some times I'm scared to say no.

I'm just scared around him now and it leaks into life. It doesn't help my mom and my sister now have a strained relationship. Because I'm seen as the one who's "closest" to him (I'm not, I'm just better at being civil) they constantly use me to go tell him stuff and be the middle man. When I confront them about it, they just don't listen. They say they're sorry, they'll try to be better, but it's done nothing. When I retaliate and just say no so that my sister has to do it, my sister gets so angry. I am not there just to be a cushion to their own problems, and they don't seem to realize that I have my own problems.

I've never been the perfect child. I don't pretend to be. But sometimes it feels like my mom is pushing that pressure onto me. I really want to just break ties and never speak to them again but it's not easy, and I do love them.

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Ages ago I said I had self harming habits coming back up. They're gone now but I still want to off myself sometimes. I don't know how to help myself. I don't want to see a therapist, because that would mean asking my mom for help, and she has a history with my mental health. It just seems like the easiest option, doesn't it? I know it's not, but sometimes I have that hope and dream, even if it's a fucked hope and dream.

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firstly, I'm sorry to hear you have so much on your plate, must be a lot of pressure for you.........I know it's easy for me to say it but I think that something I've learned is that we should live for ourselves since people are impossible to please anyway and it only makes us all miserable trying to make everyone happy.. take your time, but I do hope you manage to break free from these chains.. as for your friend, maybe a simple text would be enough, just expressing you are hurt but sorry....... I wish you luck <3

 

[dark_tranquility]

Talked to my doctor today about how shit I have been feeling and there was another med they could give me.
Only used as a final resort. And the fact I cannot cope without medication pains me.

I already feel like I am being tortured everyday.
Don't want to go through something worse by being off my pills.

I don't even feel safe around any items I might commit suicide with now.
Best to block out that mindset, but it's SO hard.

 

[Wonpil]

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why is the habit so hard to break? i end up hurting myself over and over again. i keep disappointing myself but in the moment it feels like the only option. i keep disappointing myself and disappointing people. i guess that just makes me a disappointment :/

i feel like if i was gone no one would notice no one would care. if anything they'd be happy if i was gone. i hate this mindset but i don't know how to stop it :(

 

[kodoku]

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why is the habit so hard to break? i end up hurting myself over and over again. i keep disappointing myself but in the moment it feels like the only option. i keep disappointing myself and disappointing people. i guess that just makes me a disappointment :/

i feel like if i was gone no one would notice no one would care. if anything they'd be happy if i was gone. i hate this mindset but i don't know how to stop it :(

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you can't really break a habit, but you can replace it with something healthier, a better way to cope.. also you are being way too hard on yourself cutie.. you're still a child and deal with so much, even me as an adult struggles just the same.. you are doing your best, you will get there.. keep trying, keep seeking help until you get proper help and are able to begin healing.. even if it's true that no one would care, that's something that can easily change at any time. What I mean is that just because let's say no one cares about you now (and I do), doesn't mean no one ever would or will.. only if you give up will that become the case, if you let go, then this fate would be sealed.. so keep pushing on <3

 

[Wonpil]

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you can't really break a habit, but you can replace it with something healthier, a better way to cope.. also you are being way too hard on yourself cutie.. you're still a child and deal with so much, even me as an adult struggles just the same.. you are doing your best, you will get there.. keep trying, keep seeking help until you get proper help and are able to begin healing.. even if it's true that no one would care, that's something that can easily change at any time. What I mean is that just because let's say no one cares about you now (and I do), doesn't mean no one ever would or will.. only if you give up will that become the case, if you let go, then this fate would be sealed.. so keep pushing on <3

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i'm really trying. it's just so tiring to keep trying.

 

[kodoku]

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i'm really trying. it's just so tiring to keep trying.

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I know hun, I believe you. and yes it is, it's ok to take a break too <3

 

[Wonpil]

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I know hun, I believe you. and yes it is, it's ok to take a break too <3

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thank you for all your help <3

 

[kodoku]

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thank you for all your help <3

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anytime hun, just know you are never alone <3

 

[kodoku]

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based on my choices, decisions, and actions.. it appears I no longer care about myself at all..... and it scares me.. I don't know how much I care if even my body died, but there are far worse fates than death and I won't be the only one getting hurt if I keep this up..... seems like the hole in my heart became a hole in my head. I'm thinking I'm hopeless and this won't end well, I'm thinking it's already too late

 

[Wonpil]

I feel kinda anxious right now, like my heart feels weird. I don't know what caused it though :/ I'm trying to breathe myself through it but it's not working too well

 

[Tickita]

I'm writing again. Should've never stopped.

 

[dark_tranquility]

I don't think that 'last resort' medication is worth taking, if it's going to make me zonk out like some kind of zombie.
But I am just over the voices in my head screaming at me and seeing unworldly shit all the time...

I guess it's it all boils down, if I want to suffer like this forever, even in a somewhat stable state.
Or be rid of my illness.

 

[Wonpil]

my throat feels like its closing up. everything is spinning. its getting harder and harder to breathe

 

[honeyfornomoney]

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After everything I went thru those weeks I just feel numb now. It's like someone pressed the switch off button for my emotions. And I love it. I can't feel happy either but the pain was unbearable.

 

[kodoku]

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not writing anymore, not even living my life at all as always, ruining every aspect of my health so much.. how much longer will it all go on..? even after all these years, it's all the same sigh.. isn't this worse than being dead.... and I'm still scared, nobody knows what's going on with me, not a soul in this whole world....it's lonely and difficult, I don't know if there's any hope left for me..

 

[dark_tranquility]

I sleep better nowadays. Due to sleeping a lot earlier. Still know my dreams are 'disturbed' and 'unsettling'.
I legit can't even walk outside or stay inside without hallucinating and then some.

Worse off still the voices have been tempting me again. Down a dark path.

 

[kodoku]

I feel kinda anxious right now, like my heart feels weird. I don't know what caused it though :/ I'm trying to breathe myself through it but it's not working too well

my throat feels like its closing up. everything is spinning. its getting harder and harder to breathe

I hope you're feeling better again by now hun <3

I'm writing again. Should've never stopped.

that's amazing!! I hope and pray I'll be able to write again..

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After everything I went thru those weeks I just feel numb now. It's like someone pressed the switch off button for my emotions. And I love it. I can't feel happy either but the pain was unbearable.

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I can relate..... but I hope you can awaken from this state and fall into something more colorful and beautiful again...... it's okay to be like this when you need to though, I think..

 

[kodoku]

@Kat_in_the_box stay strong ......

and also sorry for the slow replies this time guys, I was being selfish with my own troubles >_<

 

[honeyfornomoney]

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I'm feing again lol numbness lasted like 2 days only XD but yeah, when feelings get too intense and overwhelming to the point you have a hard time existing it's best to not feel at all. I feel so good now though lol I hope life is treating you well but if it doesn't, I hope it will be better soon ♡

 

[honeyfornomoney]

and also sorry for the slow replies this time guys, I was being selfish with my own troubles >_<

You aren't selfish, you should take care of yourself first before do something for others ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡