There's literally always something off with me but for the past month, even my own mind telling me I'll never be loved or to get a grip makes me shaky. Accepting kindness makes me shaky too. I'm somehow both overwhelmed with caring too much and not being motivated enough, too empty inside. I wonder if people irl can see me struggling not to lose it and break down crying when we're having normal conversations. I feel so pathetic, is this the best someone like me can do? I was bullied to the extent of being pushed in front of a car, I made it my goal not to never self pity and I only need myself was an active reminder for years. I should be like steel thinking of the past like I was before, considering everything really, but I'm going to falter because I'm not getting what I want? Because I'm not what I want? What if this is really the end for me? Giving up completely or still pushing through, none would give me relief. I just should've never existed to begin with. I wish I could be wiped from every memory because there's nothing much that I amount to anyway. I wish I could just disappear completely. but I have to keep pretending to be happy. It's so easy having a cold image because no one can see through the cracks. I can see that I'm slowly falling apart.