Official ✯ ✵ Mental Health Support✯ ✵ (2 Viewers)

geegell

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You have your reasons for reacting like that, and they're valid. Stay safe.
Is there someone you can call so you feel less alone?
thank you, it helps to know i'm not acting completely out of my mind. my mom said i was overreacting when i called her and so she hung up, my best friend's boyfriend is having a trying time and needs attention, and my boyfriend is at a game night. i know my boyfriend wouldn't mind if i interrupt him, but he deserves some downtime and to have fun and it's not his job to take care of me constantly or make sure i'm alright. i don't want to bother him or be a burden. so i'm not certain what to do, other than i'm trying the typical coping skills i have to lessen the anxiety. i'm sorry for rambling, i just was freaked out and had no one to talk to and even just getting it all out helps a tad bit. i'm very thankful for this thread and for people like you. thanks for being nice. i'll be alright eventually^^"
 
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geegell

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i think i'm becoming unhealthily reliant on my boyfriend in regards to regulating my mental health. we talk for hours upon hours every day, and i've gotten used to falling asleep with him. i don't mind being by myself in the daytime, but when he's not around at night--which is usually when i experience anxiety, dissociation, fainting spells, recurring nightmares about my SA, and panic attacks--i feel absolutely awful. being alone exacerbates all of my symptoms. i don't know what to do, because he's human and has a life and needs space sometimes. it was bad when i was by myself, but not to this extent. it's extremely disheartening :wimwim: i need to get a grip holy heck-
 
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What if my girlfriend doesn't really like me.
what if she only said yes out of pity?
I love her but I dont think she loves me..
 
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geegell

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i'm not sure if this thread is exclusively for seeking help or if it's also for posting about positive experiences and recovery as well, so forgive me if this doesn't belong here. ever since i've decided to start my transition (socially, at this stage), my life has done a complete 180. during our last session, my therapist was astounded by my scores and overall attitude and demeanor, saying that this was the happiest she'd ever seen me. she said she's willing to help me find a gender therapist, which i was certain i couldn't do because of how transphobic my mother is, but i've decided to go ahead with it anyway because i need to stop prioritizing others' wellbeing before my own. i need to do this, i can't live any other way now that i have a taste of how life could be. changing my hair, clothes, and name has greatly improved my dysphoria, and i feel so at peace about meeting my long-distance boyfriend for the first time now that i can present as how i feel i truly am. it's amazing how all that fear evaporated so quickly after so few changes. i never thought this was possible, and for once, i'm actually looking forward to and planning my future. i cannot remember a time i've ever been truly happy or confident and not plagued by my own sorrow, but now i can see the sun peeking through the clouds. sorry to ramble, i'm just so, so excited for what's to come and wanted to gush about feeling good, i guess :wimwim:
 
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i just got really angry out of nowhere.
im still so mad typing this out
my favorite song is annoying me right now
danny's videos make me even angrier
 
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geegell

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sometimes, i forget why i prefer being alone all the time, and then my friend swears at me for accidentally messing up something (that took me a few seconds to fix) in a game, and i fall apart because i'm too sensitive and remember why i'm better off staying by myself :wimwim: it's not fun to be alone most of the time. of course, i can get very lonely, but at least i'm free from the anxiety and guilt i feel around anyone i get close enough to trust. the cycle is that i get lonely, forget how terrible others may (unintentionally) make me feel, decide to socialize again, f*ck up everything, get my feelings hurt, and then retreat back to being by myself. rinse and repeat. i'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that i'm made for having meaningful relationships with others. i always say and/or do something stupid, and make them upset. i don't know what to do to fix myself anymore. i was feeling so good, too. i'll get over it, i'm not going to let it bother me forever, it's just so incredibly frustrating that this keeps happening and that i can't seem to figure out why and how to end it
 

Tickita

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sometimes, i forget why i prefer being alone all the time, and then my friend swears at me for accidentally messing up something (that took me a few seconds to fix) in a game, and i fall apart because i'm too sensitive and remember why i'm better off staying by myself :wimwim: it's not fun to be alone most of the time. of course, i can get very lonely, but at least i'm free from the anxiety and guilt i feel around anyone i get close enough to trust. the cycle is that i get lonely, forget how terrible others may (unintentionally) make me feel, decide to socialize again, f*ck up everything, get my feelings hurt, and then retreat back to being by myself. rinse and repeat. i'm tired of deluding myself into thinking that i'm made for having meaningful relationships with others. i always say and/or do something stupid, and make them upset. i don't know what to do to fix myself anymore. i was feeling so good, too. i'll get over it, i'm not going to let it bother me forever, it's just so incredibly frustrating that this keeps happening and that i can't seem to figure out why and how to end it
I totally get the retreating part. And then I beat myself up for saying or doing that thing and that I "should've known better" etc...

Let's take our time is all I can say.
 
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geegell

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I totally get the retreating part. And then I beat myself up for saying or doing that thing and that I "should've known better" etc...

Let's take our time is all I can say.
agreed. it's hard to be patient with yourself, but unlearning mental habits such as these isn't easy after (sometimes) a lifetime of use. be gentle with yourself, i'll try and do the same:kittylove:
 
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i dont want to be the person who always vents
i want to be the person who is always happy and cheery.

i can act happy on the forum. its not hard
watch me, you've seen it before.
the act will continue
 
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geegell

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i finally worked up the courage to advocate for myself and request that my boyfriend call me by my chosen name ... and i feel as if i shouldn't. he said he'll come up with his own nickname for me, and that he doesn't want to call me by either edmund, or my nickname, teddy. being called by either of those makes the world of a difference for my dysphoria, and it feels right. i feel kind of disappointed, and i know that it's just a name, but it feels so much more personal and meaningful than that. i'm hurt, if i'm being honest with myself. i thought he'd be okay with it. maybe i should change my name so he'll like it better ... ?? i don't want to be called sashi, or a cutesy nickname like bunny, at least not a pet name all of the time. i wonder if i'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive ?
 
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i finally worked up the courage to advocate for myself and request that my boyfriend call me by my chosen name ... and i feel as if i shouldn't. he said he'll come up with his own nickname for me, and that he doesn't want to call me by either edmund, or my nickname, teddy. being called by either of those makes the world of a difference for my dysphoria, and it feels right. i feel kind of disappointed, and i know that it's just a name, but it feels so much more personal and meaningful than that. i'm hurt, if i'm being honest with myself. i thought he'd be okay with it. maybe i should change my name so he'll like it better ... ?? i don't want to be called sashi, or a cutesy nickname like bunny, at least not a pet name all of the time. i wonder if i'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive ?
If he wont call you by your preferred name... that is disrespectful.
You may love him but thats not right...
 
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Tickita

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i finally worked up the courage to advocate for myself and request that my boyfriend call me by my chosen name ... and i feel as if i shouldn't. he said he'll come up with his own nickname for me, and that he doesn't want to call me by either edmund, or my nickname, teddy. being called by either of those makes the world of a difference for my dysphoria, and it feels right. i feel kind of disappointed, and i know that it's just a name, but it feels so much more personal and meaningful than that. i'm hurt, if i'm being honest with myself. i thought he'd be okay with it. maybe i should change my name so he'll like it better ... ?? i don't want to be called sashi, or a cutesy nickname like bunny, at least not a pet name all of the time. i wonder if i'm being unreasonable and overly sensitive ?
You have every right to tell someone to address you properly. If Edmund/Teddy is what you want to be called, then you should be called that. Like... it's your name, you know? I don't think it's even possible to be unreasonable about something like that.
 
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geegell

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You have every right to tell someone to address you properly. If Edmund/Teddy is what you want to be called, then you should be called that. Like... it's your name, you know? I don't think it's even possible to be unreasonable about something like that.
thanks for sharing your thoughts, it put things in perspective for me. i'm going to make another attempt to tell him how it makes me feel. thank you for your help !!:pandalove:
 
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geegell

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so, i've blocked my abusive ex's number nearly a year and a half ago now, and he's contacted me nine times since then from friends' phones, including today. when i saw his texts, i started crying and shaking, but not just with fear. for once, i was actually livid.

the last thing i want to do is think about him ever again or talk about him, and at times it's like i never knew him, but then he inserts himself back into my life unwelcomed, and he brings back everything ive worked so hard to bury. it's frustrating to feel like you've taken steps back in your healing journey.

i was frustrated because i wanted to lay into him with all of the hurt i've been carrying for the past few years of his abuse and harassment, but i knew it wasn't safe to have a conversation with him because as strong as i like to pretend i am, he still has so much influence over me, and the worst thing is that i still miss him sometimes, even though he makes me feel so disgusting and makes my skin crawl. i ended up doing something stupid nonetheless and told him "f*ck you so, so much for making me go through this all over and over again you sick, pathetic f*ck", let him read it, and then blocked the number. i hate the side he brought out in me today, it's everything i'm adamantly against and makes me feel lower than him, and i regret letting myself run on pure anger. i thought i'd run out of compassion and excuses and sympathy for him. i wanted him to hurt the way he's been hurting me, but then it all came crashing down and now i feel so guilty and awful again. even if he destroyed me, that doesn't give me the right to lash out at him, even if it's "deserved". it's not right to hurt him because i'm hurt. i'm determined to heal from this, and become a better person than how i started. i won't let my hurt turn me into a monster no better than him.

i use this thread way too much, i'm so sorry :wimwim: i just don't usually have a space to process things, i guess, and writing it out feels cathartic and knowing someone is there helps a lot
 
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geegell

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last night, i saw an entirely new side to my boyfriend that, frankly, frightened me beyond belief and brought back so many traumatic memories. it was so shocking, and not at all congruent with who i perceive him to be and how he's presented himself to me. it was like he was a whole different person. i'm so incredibly confused, and i'm scared of him, because if he can act that way towards someone who's emotional, hurting, and vulnerable like i often am, what's to stop him from doing it to me, too ? i don't understand how he's so caring, kind, gentle, patient, supportive, and understanding with me, while he's the exact opposite in this situation, every shred of empathy and concern gone. these two aspects of his personality can't coexist, right ... ? one of them must be false ? i'm scared that he's really this other person that i don't know ... am i walking into another abusive relationship ? i asked my friends for advice (and a website concerning abusive relationships), and they all told me i need to leave him, but i love him so much. i don't know what to believe anymore, and i'm scared to think that i'm willingly going to allow myself to potentially be abused again. i'm trying to make excuses for his behavior, and explain it away, and even now i'm trying to tell myself it wasn't that bad. honestly, i'm panicking. my world is crashing down right now. he's coming here in two weeks, i have no idea what to do anymore
 
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Tickita

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last night, i saw an entirely new side to my boyfriend that, frankly, frightened me beyond belief and brought back so many traumatic memories. it was so shocking, and not at all congruent with who i perceive him to be and how he's presented himself to me. it was like he was a whole different person. i'm so incredibly confused, and i'm scared of him, because if he can act that way towards someone who's emotional, hurting, and vulnerable like i often am, what's to stop him from doing it to me, too ? i don't understand how he's so caring, kind, gentle, patient, supportive, and understanding with me, while he's the exact opposite in this situation, every shred of empathy and concern gone. these two aspects of his personality can't coexist, right ... ? one of them must be false ? i'm scared that he's really this other person that i don't know ... am i walking into another abusive relationship ? i asked my friends for advice (and a website concerning abusive relationships), and they all told me i need to leave him, but i love him so much. i don't know what to believe anymore, and i'm scared to think that i'm willingly going to allow myself to potentially be abused again. i'm trying to make excuses for his behavior, and explain it away, and even now i'm trying to tell myself it wasn't that bad. honestly, i'm panicking. my world is crashing down right now. he's coming here in two weeks, i have no idea what to do anymore
I'm glad you have friends to talk to about this, and you're using resources.
I will say that if you're frightened and triggered, it could be a warning that something's not right. Those feelings are real and they're valid. If you feel unsafe, let somebody know.

I hope you find a solution and make the best choice for yourself.
 
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geegell

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I'm glad you have friends to talk to about this, and you're using resources.
I will say that if you're frightened and triggered, it could be a warning that something's not right. Those feelings are real and they're valid. If you feel unsafe, let somebody know.

I hope you find a solution and make the best choice for yourself.
thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot to me. i'm weighing my options, but he could be potentially homeless if he doesn't move in with me, so that complicates things a bit :wimwim: i'll do my best to make a healthy decision
 
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