there are underlying reasons for why. I just can't get it out. I'm an honest person who speaks my mind but I guess some things I don't want to talk about. I still can't. I don't know how to put the words together for how I feel. anything I say doesn't describe it enough, I make myself feel it's trivial and small but maybe it's more serious than I thought. because I can't shake it off. I guess it always runs deeper than I thought. being pushed like that makes me feel suffocated. the darkness and depth of my thoughts spills over the surface and it's overwhelming to me. I can't stop recalling things, and it makes me freeze up. I get cold and completely shut off. I remember and remind myself, let's not get carried away. I get sad. please don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. I guess I always brushed off my own issues because I wanted so desperately to just be normal. to have nothing wrong with me, when there's lot that's wrong with me. I hate the way my panic attacks make me feel. those looks of concern and shock. I feel stupid and ashamed, but I can't stop fighting for air. I couldn't breathe. are they laughing at me? are they laughing at how messed up I am? that I'm not normal like them? I'm so stupid to think that they truly care about me, right? I'm so sorry that I'm complicated. I'm happy to be alive right?..but I feel so worthless. like I mean and am nothing. I feel at peace when I sleep. I wake up wishing I would disappear. no one irl would know I think and feel that way. the things I'm so sure of suddenly feel and become so uncertain to me. suddenly I'm standing in the sand all alone again, and I don't want to look back. I don't know how to escape it.